Famous People To Spend All Day Humping Goats

BRITAIN'S famous people are to spend much of their time engaged in base sexual practices after being given the go-ahead by a High Court judge.

Yesterday's landmark ruling will allow some of the country's richest and most influential people to molest farmyard animals, free from the prying eyes of the media.

One senior governenment minister, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said: "I'm going to have sex with a goat – on a swing.

"I'm then going to marry the goat in the nude and add it to my harem of goat wives.

"Then I'll bend over and get a cow to lick my bum, while I put a finger to my mouth and pretend to look all surprised."

He added: "Does this mean I should not be in charge of a multi-billion pound department or be telling other people how to live their lives?

"Who cares? Not me, that's for sure – I'm the King of Goat Sex!"

The judgement was also welcomed by Britain's most respected celebrity goat humpers, including B** Mc***** and J**** *****-P****.

But Tom Logan, deputy sex editor of the Daily Mail said: "This is a crushing blow for our readership, many of whom are dependent on stories about C-list genitalia.

"But at least I will now be able to have sandpaper dragged across my buttocks by an Alan Hansen look-a-like in the privacy of my own caravan."

Anal Warts Take Poll Lead Over Brown

GORDON Brown is facing an autumn challenge to his leadership from a particularly virulent case of anal warts.

Last night's shock by-election defeat in Glasgow East has convinced Labour backbenchers the party now stands a better chance at the next election under a painful and embarrassing venereal disease.

With the economy worsening, dozens of MPs have secretly pledged their support, with some even touting a 'dream ticket' of the anal warts and a plastic tub filled with cat vomit.

According to a poll for the Guardian, the anal warts are favoured by 42% of Labour voters, well ahead of a constantly screaming baby and a dead hamster, both on 23%. Ninety-five year old communist Michael Foot is on 6%, while Mr Brown is now on -59%.

But Downing Street last night brushed aside talk of a contest, stressing the prime minister was getting on with the job of focussing on Britain's priorities, having his picture taken with Barak Obama and inviting Ben Elton to Chequers.

Nevertheless, Mr Brown has sent a message to potential challengers by kidnapping David Milliband's dog and sending the foreign secretary a tape of it whimpering and scratching at a door.

Downing Street is also finalising a series of headline-grabbing policy initiatives including vouchers for free tripe and marzipan, while every home in Britain will be sent a DVD of Highlander II: The Quickening.

Later today Mr Brown will kick off his campaign to woo back middle England by meeting with scheming, hate-filled trade unionists and agreeing to do whatever they say.