Seagull admits man isn't paranoid, it really is stalking him

A MAN whose friends claim he is paranoid about being stalked by a seagull is not remotely paranoid, the seagull has admitted.

Brighton-based seagull Martin Bishop revealed to his fellow gulls that office worker Julian Cook has been told by friends to stop ‘talking nonsense’ about a sinister-looking seagull that ‘follows him around and stares at him’.

Bishop said: “They all think he’s mad. It’s brilliant.

“He’ll probably lose his job and have to move to a smaller place and women will find him less attractive.

“And I will enjoy it all because I am a seagull.”

Julian Cook said: “It is, it’s bloody following me. Everywhere I go. Of course, maybe there’s a chance I’m just being paranoid. Yes, I’m just being paranoid.”

“Yes, you’re just being paranoid,” added Bishop while perched on the ledge outside Cook’s bedroom.

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Arseholes to meet up before heading off to arsehole pub

A GROUP of arseholes has announced plans to go the pub where all the arseholes go.

Alpha arsehole Nathan Muir carefully selected the pub based on its ridiculous decor, humorously-named cocktails, and proximity to the office where he and his fellow arseholes do their arsehole jobs.

Cook said: “I really like hanging out around people whose collars are a different colour to the rest of their shirts, whether it’s to watch the rugby or for a quick pint discussing how much we all earn.

“This place has got a real arsehole vibe, from the arsehole bar snacks to the arsehole music that appeals specifically to arseholes like me.

“We’re going to put our ties around our heads and sexually harass the staff. It’ll be mad banter.”

Cook’s arsehole colleague Tom Logan added: “I wear half a kilo of hairgel and a bow tie, so I can really be myself at the arsehole pub.

“Nobody will mock me for my lack of chin or full-bore idiocy because we arseholes stick together. They’ll just mock me for the school I went to and imply that I am a sexual deviant while I bray deafeningly.”

Passer-by Roy Hobbs said: “You don’t want to go in that pub, mate. It’s full of arseholes.”