Ten years on, devoted dog still searching for missing testicles

A DOG is still clinging to the hope that one day he will be reunited with his missing testicles, 10 years after they disappeared.

Back in 2008, labrador Martin Bishop, was a carefree young pup having recently moved in with some new human flatmates. However, one morning in early January, Bishop’s life was changed forever when he made an horrific discovery.

He said: “I’d just had a particularly long nap and when I awoke, my testicles had just vanished.

“I tried retracing my steps, all the usual stuff you do when you misplace something, but they were nowhere to be seen.

“I did want to put up ‘missing’ posters but couldn’t because I have paws instead of hands with opposable thumbs.

“Meanwhile, the police just weren’t interested. Their attitude was appalling.”

He added: “I still think they’re out there, somewhere. Even if I never see them again, it would mean a lot to me just to know that they’re OK.”

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Tough new Guardian masthead 'wondering why it’s next to all this hippy bullshit'

THE Guardian’s new, no-nonsense masthead is puzzled as to why it is ‘sitting on top of a lot of namby-pamby bollocks’.

Masthead, Tom Logan, said: “I’m muscular, I’m bold and I get things done. I do not suffer fools, especially hippies.

“I should really be sitting on top of an article about an SAS-style fitness regime or a comment piece about why Brexit will be fantastic for British companies that make jet skis.

“Instead I’m being associated with Bernie Sanders whingeing about inequality and wind farms and some dreary bird going on about her periods.

“Meanwhile, my friend Janice, who is a perfectly nice sans-serif masthead in pale blue – completely full of shit about climate change, but a lovely personality – has a second interview today with the editor of Men’s Fitness.

“I think there may have been a mix-up at the masthead recruitment agency.”