UK Flood Defences 'Sabotaged By Ducks'

BRITAIN'S flood defences have been undermined by a decade long conspiracy involving some of the country's most influential ducks, the Daily Mash has learned.

Labour sources have blamed senior ducks in Whitehall for consistently blocking plans for a £1bn upgrade of flood management schemes across the UK.

Labour claims the conspiracy also reached into the heart of local government where ducks involved in emergency planning would 'lose' important documents or 'forget' to place vital construction contracts.

A senior minister said: "History has taught us that in situations such as this, the first question we must ask is 'who benefits?'  It's quite clear that in this case the answer is water fowl.

"Whenever the issue of flood management came up the ducks around the table would try and change the subject or insist that budgets were already overstretched."

Labour insiders say they have evidence of ducks shredding documents, deleting emails and bribing or even blackmailing MPs, councillors and civil servants.

Last night the swans, geese, coots and grebes attempted to distance themselves from the ducks.

A spokesman for the British Association of Swans said: "Ducks are notoriously self-serving and corrupt.

"For years hardworking swans have been hitting their heads against a glass celing placed there by ducks. Or possibly joiners, we're not 100 per cent sure."

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Ditch Cameron For Oddball Fascist, Say Tory Rebels

SENIOR Tory MPs are calling for David Cameron to be replaced with another vote-losing weirdo from the party's extreme right wing.

Frustrated with the relatively normal behaviour of the Conservative Party over the last 18 months, rebel backbenchers are plotting to replace Cameron with a leader who can recapture the child-scaring days of the late 1990s.

One rebel Tory MP said: "Norman Tebbit just sits at home all day writing psychotic, foul-mouthed letters to the BBC. It's such a waste."

Another rightwinger added: "Personally, I would like the party to set up a committee to at least explore the possibility of exhuming and re-animating the corpse of Enoch Powell."

But political analysts questioned the latest move by the Tory right.

Professor Tom Logan, of Glasgow Clyde University, said: "William Hague had obviously escaped from a laboratory, while Michael Howard made Peter Cushing look George from Rainbow.

"And let's not forget Iain Duncan Smith who would, if given the opportunity, eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

Prof Logan added: "The Conservatives have a history of rejecting normal people. Ken Clarke is in posession of some of the most blokish DNA in human history but they treated him like a gay, West Indian Marxist.

"David Cameron may be a shallow, ingratiating toff, but he's a normal shallow, ingratiating toff."