UK Flood Defences ‘Sabotaged By Ducks’

BRITAIN'S flood defences have been undermined by a decade long conspiracy involving some of the country's most influential ducks, the Daily Mash has learned.

The enemy within

Labour sources have blamed senior ducks in Whitehall for consistently blocking plans for a £1bn upgrade of flood management schemes across the UK.

Labour claims the conspiracy also reached into the heart of local government where ducks involved in emergency planning would 'lose' important documents or 'forget' to place vital construction contracts.

A senior minister said: "History has taught us that in situations such as this, the first question we must ask is 'who benefits?'  It's quite clear that in this case the answer is water fowl.

"Whenever the issue of flood management came up the ducks around the table would try and change the subject or insist that budgets were already overstretched."

Labour insiders say they have evidence of ducks shredding documents, deleting emails and bribing or even blackmailing MPs, councillors and civil servants.

Last night the swans, geese, coots and grebes attempted to distance themselves from the ducks.

A spokesman for the British Association of Swans said: "Ducks are notoriously self-serving and corrupt.

"For years hardworking swans have been hitting their heads against a glass celing placed there by ducks. Or possibly joiners, we're not 100 per cent sure."