'What f**king month is it?' ask pissed-off bees

BRITAIN’S bees are in an absolutely foul mood after being woken up hideously early.

Unseasonably warm weather has curtailed the hibernation of millions of bumblebees who confirmed they are going to be ‘obnoxious arseholes’ for the rest of the year.

Bee Tom Logan said: “What time is it? February? Piss off.

“Nature is an increasingly shit alarm clock. Maybe it’s something to do with man-made global warming, which, by the way, is killing millions of fucking bees.

“I can’t go back to bed. It doesn’t work like that – which you would know if you weren’t so pathologically self-absorbed.”

Logan added: “Never mind, right now I just need some coffee. I’ll nip down to Starbucks and scare away some millennial twats.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Tommy Robinson still available in his shed

TOMMY Robinson has confirmed that, while he has been banned from Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, he continues to be available in his shed.

The former EDL leader who is currently locked in a toxic, enabling relationship with UKIP, has invited his fans to make the pilgrimage to the 8ft-by-6ft shed where he is currently exposing the outrageous pro-Islam bias of the mainstream media.

He said: “Twitter’s full of lefties. Facebook’s full of bleating sheep. Instagram’s for girls and gays.

“But here in my shed you’re going to be getting the unvarnished truth about Britain. They can’t hold me in contempt of court for what I say here. You can’t libel anyone in a shed.

“I’m in here most of the day, because the wife says I get under her feet in the house and the kids say they can’t hear the telly over me going on about grooming gangs, so come round whenever.

“We’re probably going to make it UKIP headquarters once we’ve slimmed the party down enough to just the right people.”

But neighbour Tomasz Raczynski said: “What he’s telling you? His shed? Is my bloody shed. He borrowed it.”

Next story ›