Cat becomes tuna dealer

A CAT has set up a lucrative crack-style operation selling tinned tuna to other cats.

Ambitious feline Harry has been trading small portions of the irresistible fish for cash and valuables, with a callous disregard for cats who become hooked.

Harry said: “I get tuna from the cupboard, wrestle the ring-pull lid off and hide my stash in the garden so if the feds bust me I ain’t carrying. I got that from my owner Pete watching The Wire.

“Cats come from all over for their tuna fix, but they gotta bring cash from their owner’s house or valuables like a wind-up mouse. I don’t give credit, no matter how much they miaow.

“If a rival dealer tries to move in on my turf they get whacked, which in cat terms means an inconclusive tussle with a bit of scratching until they lose interest and wander off.”

He added: “The mad cheese I’m making means I can go to the pet shop and buy any squeaky toy I want. This collar I’m wearing cost £45. Suckers can’t afford that by catching mice.

“Sure, some cats get addicted to tuna but that ain’t my problem. I’m just a businessman meeting a demand. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

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Waitrose shoppers 'thrilled' to have excuse to go to Poundland

WAITROSE devotees going to Poundland to ‘get rid of their old pound coins’ have declared themselves to be ‘utterly thrilled’.

Since the discount store announced it will accept the old coins until the end of the month, people who ‘shop with taste’ are delighted to finally have a viable excuse to explore a ‘working class wonderland’.

Martin Bishop, from East Sussex, said: “After snuffling around the house like a Dordogne truffle pig, I found 243 old pound coins.

“I thought I might be able to get one or two bargains for my money but almost every single thing in that shop only costs one pound. Working class people are living the dream.

“As well as 242 tubes of Nivea hand cream, I got not one, but five washing up brushes for just one pound. In Waitrose they cost… I haven’t the faintest idea.”

He added: “Sadly, I brushed up against a man – or woman – wearing a football team shirt and the static electricity gave me a tiny shock. I shall never, ever go back.”