Cat would fat-shame you if it could talk

YOUR cat would make rude comments about your weight if it were capable of human speech, it has been confirmed.

Four-year-old tabby cat Wayne Hayes is limited to expressing his disdain for your body through scratches and tail flicks, but clearly thinks you could stand to lose a pound or seven.

Cat whisperer Mary Fisher said: “See how he arches his back and coughs up a fur ball when you open a packet of crisps? That’s his way of saying: ‘Give it a rest, lard-arse.’

“And the way he does an exaggerated bounce when you sit on the sofa? It speaks for itself but that’s him calling you a fat f**k. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just saying what your cat and everyone else is thinking.

“Wayne isn’t exactly slender himself though, so maybe he’s projecting his internalised fatphobia onto you. That sounds like hypocritical dickhead behaviour, but remember it’s a cat we’re dealing with here.

“Either that or it’s the barrel-shaped bastard’s petty revenge for that one evening when you fed him five minutes later than usual. Cats never forgive their owners for that shit.”

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Man married for 20 years all out of original sentiments for wife's birthday card

A MAN who has been with the same woman for two decades is unable to think of new content to write in her birthday card, it has emerged.

Husband Joe Turner has been struck by a bout of writer’s block as he desperately tries to jot down some vaguely original romantic words for his long-term wife, Lauren.

He said: “Expressing how I felt was a piece of piss when we first got together. But after 20 years of birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day cards I’ve covered everything. When you put all that together it’s basically a novel.

“I’ve said how lucky she makes me feel, ditto how she’s my soulmate. Her inner and outer beauty has been ticked off multiple times, so what does that leave? I could compliment her parking or tell her I really like her shepherd’s pie, but they feel like odd things to bring up.

“Christ, I’ve been staring at this card for so long that even ‘happy birthday’ is starting to sound hackneyed. I know, I’ll get the ball rolling by writing ‘To Lauren’ and ‘Love Joe’ along with some kisses, that should kick-start my imagination.

“F**k. No, still nothing. Think, Joe, think, your marriage depends on this.”

Wife Lauren said: “I stopped reading Joe’s cards 15 years ago. There are only so many hours in the day and I got the gist after the first few.”