OWNING a pet can be a loving, fulfilling experience that lasts for years, unless you choose from one of these utterly shit pets.
In theory these cute little rodents are fun balls of fluff that run around a wheel all day. In reality they sleep all day, hiding in nests of chewed up tissue so you can’t see them, and run around in the wheel all night, so you can’t sleep. And on top of all that, they smell.
Stick insects are so boring they make hamsters look as extrovert as Liberace. On the plus side they’re cheap, but ultimately you might as well just get yourself a shoebox full of twigs and leaves as you’ll get exactly the same amount of interest out of it, if not more.
The only purpose of a goldfish is as an entry-level object of grief for your kids. Their inevitably quick death and subsequent flushing down the toilet will stay with a child forever, unless you’re one of those weirdos who gets a new one and doesn’t tell them until they think they’ve got a fish that is 27 years old.
Tortoises are basically immortal, meaning you’ve given yourself a lifetime of ruinously expensive vet bills that you will have to pass on to your children when the tortoise inevitably outlives you. You can’t even let it loose in the garden in the hope that it runs away, because they’re such tedious animals they barely move.
People buy snakes under the misapprehension that it will make them seem alternative and highly attractive to the opposite sex. The truth is that your life will now revolve around defrosting dead mice on the radiator for it to eat, and no one will come to your house because they’re too scared of both it and you.