Six Nations fans forced to piss in pint glasses over Zoom

THE pandemic has left Rugby Union supporters with no option but to be unbearable twats in the safety of their own homes.

Fans have confirmed they are deeply disappointed not to be able to get pissed and act like total arseholes on the stands at Twickenham this year as is traditional.

England supporter James Bates said: “It’s extra gutting that we can’t even meet up in the pub and ruin it for other drinkers with our matching red chinos, boat shoes and annoying braying voices.

“I mean, why have a wazz in an empty pint glass if you can’t throw it at the pitch or dare Rocco and Jasper to drink it? Necking ten pints of warm bitter and singing songs about slavery in your own living room just isn’t the same.”

A spokesman for the Six Nations Championship said: “Although we’ll miss the fans, we’re incredibly pleased that we are allowed to continue to offer elite sporting matches.

“Well, if you don’t count the ones with Scotland or Italy playing. They’re always shit.”

 

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Five household items you could have sex with at a push

AFTER almost a year of no human contact, which household items are starting to lead you on for a steamy night of consensual passion?

Electric toothbrush

With a price tag of over £100, you would expect your electric toothbrush to do more than just clean away interdental plaque, and boy does it. Simply flip your device round and vibrate your way from crippling loneliness and into minty ecstasy.

Tall lamp

A tall, dark and handsome floor lamp has all the attributes required from a sexual partner, with none of the awkward post-coital chat. Plus if any nosy neighbours are peering in at your silhouettes, they’ll think you’ve bagged a stick-thin supermodel with a fashionable bob.

Sunday supplement

The weekend magazine is full of opinions, recipes and facts that you’d enjoy from a lover, whether you’re into the woke leftie whimpering of the Guardian or the lunatic Tory cheerleading of the Telegraph. An extra plus is that you get a new one every week, so it doesn’t matter if you rip through it like a wild thing.

Wholegrain pitta 

When you’ve spent twelve months without a support bubble, even the most innocent foodstuffs transform into a potential orgasm opportunity, and pitta bread is no exception. Wholegrain is a good choice as it’s less likely to disintegrate under pressure.

Alexa

Smart home devices are the closest one can get to intelligent conversation at the moment and, if you’re desperate, you can get some steamy sex chat out of them too. Send Alexa to the John Lewis website and have her read through the underwear section. You’ll need imagination and elbow grease but you’ll get there in the end.