Staffies Britain's favourite dog 'that's not normally like this, you must have provoked him'

BRITAIN has voted Staffordshire bull terriers their favourite dog to barely have the strength to restrain while they bark frenziedly at a stranger.

The breed beat collies, Alsatians and even pit bulls for waddling down the street and springing at you while the owner pretends it has never done this before.

Staffie owner Nathan Muir said: “It’s your hat he doesn’t like. What were you thinking, wearing that hat?

“He’s so cuddly, that’s why Staffies are so popular. Not because they make the small-penised feel tough.

“And they’ve got a strong protective instinct. They’ll do anything to protect their pack. Dwayne? Don’t look at me like that, Dwayne, I’m the pack leader. I’m pack leader, Dwayne!

“Oh shit.”

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Your guide to the blissfully simple world of Brexiters

HAVE you ever wondered how Brexiters manage to have such a simplistic view of everything? Here Leave voter Norman Steele explains how the world works.

Other people’s jobs

Any job you don’t understand is easy. For example, being a surgeon is just a matter of having a steady hand and knowing what goes where. I could do it. I’ve made Airfix kits.

International trade

It beats me why we need all these trade agreements and regulations. My local car boot sale just charges £7 a pitch and last Saturday I made a profit of £22 – plus I got rid of that dodgy gas heater! Perhaps we should be thinking of moving to a system more like this.


Any scientist will tell you there are no facts, just wild guesses. Sure, they come up with ‘theories’ like global warming, but how’s that better than my theory that cats have their own secret language?

Post-Brexit air travel

People keep fretting about this but they’re bound to sort something out. If they don’t we’ll just employ ballsy pilots who’ll dive in and land when there’s a gap in the air traffic.

Being successful

The only way to be successful in life is good, honest graft. For some reason people get annoyed and start arguing when I say things like this, so I just imagine a little tune in my head and stop listening.


The reason so many relationships fail is that people aren’t prepared to work at them. My marriage is an exhausting, never-ending slog, or at least that’s how my wife describes it.