Mum's stash of expired medicine to set her up as post-Brexit drug kingpin

A MOTHER’S cupboard of expired medicine will enable her to act as a post-Brexit drug kingpin.

Unwittingly stockpiling half-empty packs of expired antibiotics mean that once the Brexit medicine shortages hit Jane Thomson from Stevenage is going to be making it rain, Walter White-style.

She said: “I always said they’d come in handy. Admittedly, I wasn’t talking about the country voting itself into a suicidal political checkmate that would leave food and medicine supplies under threat, but here we are.”

Thomson’s extensive pharmaceutical collection also includes a stash of heavy-duty tranquillisers from when she fell off that scooter in the Algarve, enough sticky, out-of-date cough medicine to fill a swimming pool, and a bottle of some sort of tonic that belonged to grandma, who has been dead for 15 years.

She added: “No-one around here needs to worry, I can take care of whatever they need.

“And if any motherfucker wants to try and stop to me, they’d best come ready for war.”

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Man uses 'alternative arrangements' to stop wife discovering he's shagging her best mate

A MAN has voted for ‘alternative arrangements’ to allow him to continue having sex with his wife’s best friend without his wife finding out. 

Tom Booker, who has been sleeping with Emma Bradford for eight months, was given the choice of ending the affair or coming clean but instead opted for an unspecified ‘alternative’. 

He said: “Nobody can tell me I haven’t made a decision. I have, and a very decisive one. 

“I can’t be honest about the affair because my wife wouldn’t like it, and I can’t finish it because I wouldn’t like that, so what I’ve done is choose a visionary third way that gives everybody what they want. 

“What the alternative arrangements will be exactly I’m not sure yet. They’ll need to be secure to make sure we’re not discovered, so should probably involve technology. It’s very good, that technology. 

“I can’t wait to tell Emma the news. I’ll go over tonight. The wife’s expecting me home, but now we’ve got this arrangements thing I don’t need to worry about any of that.” 

Bradford said: “Yeah, at first it seemed a remote possibility, but he’s definitely going to get his cock chopped off.”