HOUSE spiders come in all shapes and sizes but have one common purpose, which is to scare the shit out of you. Here are the top five in descending order of fearsomeness:
The sweet little money spider
These tiny critters grow no more than 5mm long, and are often found dangling from the ceiling. They get their cutesy name from an old superstition that if one got stuck in your hair it would bring you good luck and increased wealth. Their capability to improve your bank balance is clearly bollocks, but at least they aren’t too frightening.
Scariness rating: 1/10
The hairy Tic Tac
These creepy bastards are also known as daddy long-legs spiders and were presumably named as such by a particularly kinky scientist. With their tiny bodies and freakishly long legs they look like something out of The War of the Worlds, but luckily are still delicate enough for humans to easily crush when they find one on their pillow at bedtime.
Scariness rating: 3/10
The jumpy f**ker
Like the coked-up knobhead in your local pub, this spider never stays still and bounces around seeking attention. It is small in size but its erratic nature makes it unpredictable, which amps up its threat level exponentially as you never know if it’s suddenly going to be crawling up your face while you innocently watch EastEnders.
Scariness rating 6/10
The one with the massive arse
Because spiders are f**king weirdos, what looks like the bum of the common false widow is actually its abdomen. Anyway, that’s the last thing you’ll be mulling over when you come face to face with this creep and its fat, meaty legs and scary fangs. You’ll be too busy jumping on a table and yelling at your partner to kill it instead.
Scariness rating: 9/10
The big bastard that stares you out
Measuring up to 12cm and commonly found waiting for you in the bath, this British brute stands its ground and glares like a furious eight-eyed Grant Mitchell. Once it has locked gazes with you, the Giant House Bastard will rear up and thump its legs down to assert its dominance. Although possessing a venomous bite, this spider would much prefer to punch your f**king lights out, so meekly get out of its way and allow it to rule your house until next spring.
Scariness rating 10/10