The big bastard that stares you out: House spiders rated by scariness

HOUSE spiders come in all shapes and sizes but have one common purpose, which is to scare the shit out of you. Here are the top five in descending order of fearsomeness:

The sweet little money spider

These tiny critters grow no more than 5mm long, and are often found dangling from the ceiling. They get their cutesy name from an old superstition that if one got stuck in your hair it would bring you good luck and increased wealth. Their capability to improve your bank balance is clearly bollocks, but at least they aren’t too frightening.

Scariness rating: 1/10

The hairy Tic Tac

These creepy bastards are also known as daddy long-legs spiders and were presumably named as such by a particularly kinky scientist. With their tiny bodies and freakishly long legs they look like something out of The War of the Worlds, but luckily are still delicate enough for humans to easily crush when they find one on their pillow at bedtime.

Scariness rating: 3/10

The jumpy f**ker

Like the coked-up knobhead in your local pub, this spider never stays still and bounces around seeking attention. It is small in size but its erratic nature makes it unpredictable, which amps up its threat level exponentially as you never know if it’s suddenly going to be crawling up your face while you innocently watch EastEnders.

Scariness rating 6/10

The one with the massive arse

Because spiders are f**king weirdos, what looks like the bum of the common false widow is actually its abdomen. Anyway, that’s the last thing you’ll be mulling over when you come face to face with this creep and its fat, meaty legs and scary fangs. You’ll be too busy jumping on a table and yelling at your partner to kill it instead.

Scariness rating: 9/10

The big bastard that stares you out

Measuring up to 12cm and commonly found waiting for you in the bath, this British brute stands its ground and glares like a furious eight-eyed Grant Mitchell. Once it has locked gazes with you, the Giant House Bastard will rear up and thump its legs down to assert its dominance. Although possessing a venomous bite, this spider would much prefer to punch your f**king lights out, so meekly get out of its way and allow it to rule your house until next spring.

Scariness rating 10/10

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Family barbecuing in autumn against all nature

A FAMILY plans to violate all natural law by holding a barbecue this weekend even though it is September.

The Logan family have purchased sausages, burgers, charcoal and hickory wood for a barbecue neighbours have described as ‘spitting in the face of God’.

Friend Helen Archer said: “They think that just because it’s sunny, they can have a barbecue? Running contrary to all natural law? Upsetting a balance that may never be righted?

“Why don’t they go ahead and break out the prosecco and deckchairs and ‘Tom’s Summer Playlist 23!’ to really incur the wrath of our Druidic forebears who will surely smite them with lightning? Oh, apparently they are.

“Barbecues are for summer. End of. They’re not weather-related, otherwise why would we have them in the pissing rain? They’re bringing down a curse upon us. If our house prices fall, it’s their fault.”

Tom Logan said: “What’s the problem? It’s a lovely day, not a cloud in the sky, and this is our way of saying ‘Hail Satan. Let these sausages burn like our flesh in your fires eternal.’”