'There are no bad dogs only bad owners' and other lies people tell about their pets

PEOPLE get obsessed with their pets, to the point that they require others to believe the bullshit they’ve made up about them. Like this:

There are no bad dogs only bad owners

There may be some truth in this, but it’s usually said by the most judgemental dog owner in the park who conveniently hasn’t noticed that their cockerpoo Beau is growling at a crying toddler clutching an ice cream. ‘He’s just being friendly!’ they defensively exclaim when a furious parent eventually manages to attract their attention.

Horses are very emotionally intuitive

Are they? Having huge brown eyes with lovely long lashes doesn’t mean a horse silently understands your tragic heartbreak, it means they’ve evolved monocular vision to enable them to spot predators. And if they’re so intuitive and clever, why do they bolt three miles just because they’ve seen an umbrella?

He’s just like his dad

Some owners like to believe their pets are actually their babies, and even the fact that the pet is a guinea pig won’t convince them they don’t share genetic material. Having said that, Cookie’s ‘dad’ does have some eerie similarities to a rodent in that he spends all day looking vacant and chewing things.

Don’t worry, she’s only playing

Having spent two grand on a Maine Coon cat, your friend inevitably wants to show it off. However, when you get upset because it stalks you around the living room before giving you a nasty bite on the hand, they are quick to leap to its defence. It might be playing, but it’s still a huge, vicious bastard.

‘Dogs looking like their owners’ is a myth

Strangely, this is the one trope that pet owners go out of their way to discredit. Usually the ones who own a snorting, dribbling little pug with a face like a dropped pancake.

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Bride's dream wedding day ruined when she realises she's marrying a dick

A WOMAN’S wedding day was ruined after she realised that the man she was marrying is an absolute bellend.

Lauren Hewitt, 34, had spent the previous 12 months so focused on preparing the perfect wedding day that she neglected to notice her fiancé Oliver O’Connor was an obnoxious twat.

Hewitt said: “Waiting to walk down the aisle, I knew I’d planned everything down to a tee. But as I approached Oliver at the altar I realised I’d spent longer thinking about table centrepieces than I had my choice of life partner.

“The fact that he was visibly hungover was bad enough, but when he muttered ‘Right, let’s get this over with’ my heart sank. I now realise that when my friends told me he was a useless bastard it wasn’t just because they were jealous of my inventive ‘glitter dreams’ wedding theme.”

After sneaking out for a cigarette during his father-in-law’s speech, O’Connor said: “I’ve asked the DJ to change our first dance from that sad Leonard Cohen shit that Lauren’s late mother loved. Her face is going to be an absolute picture when Mambo No. 5 comes on instead.”

Hewitt later added: “I’m going to salvage the day by getting lashed with friends, before looking into annulment in the morning.”