IT’S not easy to maintain a ridiculously ostentatious rapper lifestyle on a realistic budget, but it can be done.
I thought being broke would be a bitch, but it’s actually very liberating because it makes you get creative in your behaviour. For example:
– Frosty Jack’s cider is a cheap, refreshing alternative to Cristal and looks exactly the same in a champagne glass.
– When burning banknotes to show off in nightclubs, use less valuable foreign currency. Or make realistic ‘fake money’ by photocopying notes onto sheets of A4 (you can get six on a side) then cutting them out with scissors.
– You need to be constantly surrounded by scantily clad women, but they cost loads to hire from modelling agencies. Save cash by getting your mum and nan to wear bikinis around the house.
– Instead of buying a diamond-encrusted, 24-carat gold crucifix, get one for £6.99 from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
– Instead of buying a vast collection of expensive trainers, use your fame to popularise cheap ‘Adidos’ knock-offs from the market.
– Recruit local teenagers as your entourage by offering to buy them beer from the local off licence. But ration them to a couple of cans of Foster’s each otherwise they will be sick and you will get in trouble with their parents.
– Get gold teeth cheaply by colouring them in with gold marker pens from WH Smith. Make sure to replace the pen lids afterwards though because they dry up really quickly.
– Avoid dating high-maintenance, super-rich celebrities like Kim Kardashian. Instead go out with Kerry Katona, Samantha Brick or Coleen Nolan.