Teenager gets summer job for rest of life


A TEENAGER has taken the summer job which he will retire from in 2063.

18-year-old Nathan Muir’s role as a delivery driver, taken while awaiting his A-level results, is expected to last until September but will end only when human drivers are phased out for good.

Muir said: “Yeah, it’s hilarious, I’m a wage slave now.

“It’s piss-easy work and they’ve no idea how little I’m doing. Yesterday I was in the car park for 15 minutes smoking a doobie.”

Witnessed by the managing director, the incident has already been recorded in Muir’s record and will ensure he remains in a junior position for the next 20 years.

Muir, who will fail to find a university place because he is either working or in the pub with the lads from depot, added: “It’s actually quite relaxing to turn your brain off and coast for a few weeks, though any longer and I’d become a zombie.”

The teenager, who refers to his 28-year-old supervisor as a “basic rando” without realising he will be his boss for a further four decades, is saving for a motorbike he will never buy.

He said: “One perk of the place is the women, though. Hooked up with Amy from accounts last week.”

Describing the future wife who is already carrying his child, he said: “I doubt I’ll see her again, though. Not my type.”

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Working class area of London to be kept as a living museum

AN AUTHENTICALLY working class area of London will be allowed to continue existing as a tourist attraction.

A one-mile-square section of Barking is to be preserved as the London Museum of Common Life, where visitors in armoured buses can see the city as it was in its lawless, pre-gentrification state.

Mayor Boris Johnson said: “The developers won’t be allowed in, and the locals won’t be allowed out. They must continue with their gritty existences, acting out their vivid family dramas and cash-in-hand business interactions for the benefit of paying visitors.

“When I visited, the armed guide took us to a ‘one pound shop’ to buy mysterious foreign cleaning products, and then we went to a cafe and ate things cooked by a fat lady in an overall.

“The avocados in the local market are so cheap it’s astonishing. I wouldn’t eat one though, they’re probably all grey inside.”

North Londoner Helen Archer visited the museum in search of a community experience: “They have shops that sell nothing but office furniture, and pubs that don’t do food.

“There are stalls that repair Apple laptops but without being officially endorsed by the corporation. And tattooed shirtless men with lean bodies like greyhounds.”