Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you will try to convince workmates that Jazzy B’s full name is Jazzy Bastard.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will be left confused after seeing a guide dog licking its balls while wearing a tabard saying ‘Don’t disturb me, I’m working’.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Trouble on your commute today as you report a suspicious-looking bag at the train station and she asks you not to call her that.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your job interview on Monday starts badly when asked why you want to work for the company you reply To fuck shit up.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve finally found just the right shade of floor tile for the bathroom, ‘Strainy Beige’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The NASA probe that passed by Pluto yesterday failed to photograph how much it has been making life miserable for Sagittarius recently.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You oppose arranged marriages on ethical grounds but this weekend you’ll realise that buying a ring or hiring a vicar is the very least you can do.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After posting a run on Facebook where you do a 10km circuit of your local park in 40 minutes you’re forced to admit you strapped your Fitbit to your dog.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Unlike some people, you don’t need to drink alcohol to have a good night out. Not when there’s amphetamines available.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
The key to a really good steak is to cook it from room temperature, have a smoking-hot griddle and don’t buy it in a pub car park from a bloke with a hacking cough.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Treat your other half to a nice Friday night this week by not going home.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Bass for your face. And a Chardonnay for your wife, wasn’t it?