Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you will try to convince workmates that Jazzy B’s full name is Jazzy Bastard.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will be left confused after seeing a guide dog licking its balls while wearing a tabard saying ‘Don’t disturb me, I’m working’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Trouble on your commute today as you report a suspicious-looking bag at the train station and she asks you not to call her that.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your job interview on Monday starts badly when asked why you want to work for the company you reply “To fuck shit up”.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve finally found just the right shade of floor tile for the bathroom, ‘Strainy Beige’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The NASA probe that passed by Pluto yesterday failed to photograph how much it has been making life miserable for Sagittarius recently.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You oppose arranged marriages on ethical grounds but this weekend you’ll realise that buying a ring or hiring a vicar is the very least you can do.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After posting a run on Facebook where you do a 10km circuit of your local park in 40 minutes you’re forced to admit you strapped your Fitbit to your dog.  

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Unlike some people, you don’t need to drink alcohol to have a good night out. Not when there’s amphetamines available.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
The key to a really good steak is to cook it from room temperature, have a smoking-hot griddle and don’t buy it in a pub car park from a bloke with a hacking cough.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Treat your other half to a nice Friday night this week by not going home.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Bass for your face. And a Chardonnay for your wife, wasn’t it?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lads’ holiday ruined by refusal to be a twat

A LADS-ONLY holiday to Magaluf has been spoiled by one man’s stubborn refusal to behave like an utter twat.

20-year-old Tom Booker failed to embrace the change of character that is an obligation on a males-only holiday.

Fellow holidaymaker Wayne Hayes said: “We were naked and lobbing bottles off the hotel balcony at 3am when Tom pipes up with some shit about ‘keeping the locals awake’.

“We all thought he was joking but the next day when we all tanked bottles of gin by 2pm and went out to harass girls and behave aggressively towards bar owners he was nowhere to be seen.

“He needs to man up and act like a twat before he makes everyone doubt themselves.”

Booker said: “I don’t mind acting like a bit of a twat but you have to draw a line.

“They think I’m repressed but I think they’re acting like bigger twats than they actually are. Nobody really wants a can of Foster’s first thing in the morning, or indeed at any time of the day.”

He added: “A foam party can be the loneliest place in the world.”