Ask Holly: I am pleased with myself for winning Bake Off

Dear Holly, 

I’m very pleased with little old me for winning Sport Relief Bake Off. People probably thought I was just a posh skinny MILF but now they know I am so much more than that. Now I am on a winning streak do you think I should apply for Sewing Bee? I could make a patchwork quilt in celebration of our public services, and then rip it up and sell it off, piece by piece.

Samantha

London 

Dear Samantha,

We do baking at school but we’re not allowed to use sugar because it is banned, or wheat because three of us have a wheat intolerance, or milk because seven kids are lactose intolerant, or nuts because the teacher has a nut allergy. Meat isn’t an option because there are several vegetarians, and we can’t use dairy because there is a vegan (who no-one likes). So in baking class we do painting instead.

Hope that helps!

Holly

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Humanity not ready for Easter egg-sized Creme Egg

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that you are not ready for an Easter egg-sized Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Humans have long craved a Creme Egg the size of a child’s head, but scientists today revealed we could not handle it, physically or emotionally.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “We created one in a lab and brought in a cross-section of society to try to eat it. Twelve of them are now permanently insane.”

Test subject Martin Bishop said: “It was like eating a hand grenade made of sugar. I went temporarily blind halfway through.

“I kept munching though, even through the darkness, because I really like Creme Eggs.”

Nikki Hollis who also took part in the test added: “I was spooning the fondant out like it was soup, but passed out after three big mouthfuls.

“While unconscious I had a vision of going to an Inca-style temple made of chocolate and fondant and meeting Sug-Ra, the god of extreme sweetness, who told me I had been very greedy.

“But when I came to I carried on eating the fucker.”