Ask Holly: I've realised that I am the Greatest Living Evil Genius in the World

Dear Holly,

The other day I realised something rather profound, and that was that I really am the Greatest Living Evil Genius in the World; the Supreme Malicious Puppet Master of Humanity; with all you stupid British in the palm of my hand and and yet I don’t make the most of this. I’ve decided to get a sinister black uniform and a swivelly chair and a highly-strung cat who I can stroke malevolently whilst doing my evil deeds. But do you think Jerry Hall will still fancy me if I do?

Rupert M

The Secret Lair

Dear Rupert,

Whatever you do, don’t bother asking to watch Ben and Holly’s Magic Kingdom on the TV or play on the CBBC website just now, because all the grown ups have suddenly become obsessed with the news and they are hogging all devices, only looking up to argue with each other about who is responsible for the terrible mess we are in. My granny says that, long long ago, people used to educate themselves by reading books, but nowadays they just have to download the Daily Mail app and they are suddenly political geniuses with a specialism in constitutional law. Now isn’t that something?

Hope that helps,


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Proper-shaped bananas arrive in UK

CRATELOADS of sensibly-shaped bananas that were banned under the EU have arrived on British shores.

Children as well as young adults not even born when Brussels issued the ban marvelled as the crates were broken open at Dover and they were able to marvel at the curved bananas they had only seen in picture books.

Through a telescope stationed on the white cliffs, President Jean-Claude Juncker could be seen jumping up and down in fury on the Calais coastline, but to no avail.

Tom Booker, 65, wept openly as he was handed a sample of the forbidden fruit: “I was in Berlin when the wall fell but this is a hundred times better.

“Only last week, if the European authorities had caught me eating a banana like this in public, I’d have been thrown in jail. Now I can eat it without fear.

“In fact I’m going to go down the pub and ask for a pint of beer rather than a Euro-litre, the way I’ve had to since 1975.

“They talk about recession, disinvestment, downgraded credit ratings, the pound to worth roughly a nickel in six months time, and our children facing a future working as novelty chimney sweeps for our future Russian and Chinese overlords.

“It’s all worth it for this bunch of bent bananas.”