Ask Holly: Sometimes I amaze myself, so why does my wife despise me?

Dear Holly,

I’m so busy writing executive orders to get rid of rubbish things like free healthcare, womens’ rights and Mexicans and bring back all my favourite stuff like torture and Rick Astley. Sometimes I amaze myself, so why does my wife despise me?



Dear Donald,

If I was in charge of America I would make it compulsory for everyone to get free pick ‘n’ mix for life and no-one has to go to school and do boring pointless education and there would be no rules restricting access to Nickelodeon. Also broccoli would be illegal. But we would all still be nice to each other and make sure we look after people who have problems or can’t help themselves because that is what is right. Even I know that, and I am a 10-year old child.

Hope that helps,


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Friendship tested by really long email

A CLOSE friendship has been severely tested by a long personal email that will take ages to read.

Eleanor Shaw of Cardiff was initially delighted to receive a message from university friend Susan Traherne, but admitted that replying to the 15-paragraph email is a burden she does not need.

She said: “Who sends an email that long? What is this, the fucking 90s?

“She’d clearly sat down and taken the time to sum up her situation with a few funny anecdotes, reminding me of the good times we’ve shared and making the effort to keep our friendship alive, and it’s really done my head in.

“Like this isn’t something I could bang out an answer to quickly. It’d be at least 45 minutes of typing while frequently referring back to the original, and I’m trying to watch The Crown. 

“She lives 200 miles away, we’ve both got kids, I work weekends, so what I’m saying is that it’s in everyone’s best interest to let this die a natural death.”

Shaw added: “Why couldn’t she have just kept up with the odd comment on Facebook, like a normal person? This friendship could have limped happily along for another decade.”