Ask Holly: They won't be laughing when these tiny paws press the nuclear button

Dear Holly,

I’ve got smaller than average hands and people think this is funny. However, they won’t be laughing when they realise these tiny paws are more than capable of pressing the nuclear button. Meantimes, should I start a rumour that Hilary Clinton only has one testicle to deflect attention from my minuscule manhood, I mean hands?


United States of A

Dear Donald,

Sometimes small hands come in useful, for example when you are trying to pick the lock of the staffroom door for a dare and take a selfie whilst putting bogies in the Nescafé. Not that I have any direct experience of this.

Hope that helps,


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Garry Monk suddenly remembers he's Leeds manager

FORMER Swansea boss Garry Monk has suddenly remembered he was appointed Leeds United manager over two months ago.

The 37-year old applied for, was offered and accepted the Leeds job back in June, after which he admits he forgot all about it.

Monk said: “I was in a pretty bad place when I sent them my CV, and I didn’t expect to hear anything back. You’d have to be mad to want to manage Leeds, and I said as much on my cover letter, so I was quite surprised when they sent me a contract.

“But I wanted to relax and enjoy my summer, so I put it out of my mind. We had a lovely time in Florida with the kids and then a weekend in Dublin in July, where we ran into the Leeds players on a pre-season training camp.

“That should probably have jogged my memory if I’m honest, but that can’t be helped now.”

Monk added that while the Championship season kicks off on Friday evening, Leeds are not in action until Sunday, giving him extra time to prepare.

Leeds United fan Tom Booker said: “I thought the fat bloke was still our manager, or the man with grey hair, or maybe the foreign one. Never mind, I’m sure he’ll be sacked soon.”