Ask Holly: Where can I buy a bandeau mini-cassock?

Dear Holly,

I’m dead chuffed that I’ve been voted the most liked world leader by all the people, even those miserable atheist gits. But I can’t help but feel I need to set my sights higher and go for Rear of the Year. Surely to God I can beat that skinny ass Daniel Radcliffe to the top spot. Do you know where I could purchase a bandeau mini-cassock in the style of Carol Vorderman? TopShop, maybe?

Francis 

Vatican City

Dear Francis,

Atheism isn’t a wise choice if you are a schoolkid. Atheists deny the existence of Santa and the Easter bunny and all of the stuff that means you get presents and chocolate and time off school, so unless you are a total weirdo it stands to reason that God exists. The plus side of atheism is that you don’t have to watch Songs of Praise with your granny who smells of wee, but that is a small price to pay for being able to stuff your face with seasonal confectionery several times a year. 

Hope that helps 

Holly