Ask Holly: I’m tired of the thankless drudgery of full time parenting

Dear Holly,

In 2011, I retired from the music industry because I wanted to be a full time dad to my two young sons. But now I’ve changed my mind. The horse is out of the stable and I am raring to go, because, frankly, children are tiresome, selfish bastards who wipe jam on everything and make you watch Octonauts for five hours every day. I’m tired of the thankless drudgery of full time parenting and want to get back to real music, preferably of the variety that doesn’t involve an irritating fat bloke singing about his spotty bag. Will all the internet mums judge me?

Phil Collins

Jungle Jim’s Soft Play

Dear Phil,

When I grow up I want to be a rock star too. Or at least I did, before my mummy read in the Guardian that the latest thing was kids doing coding. Now me and all the other children aren’t allowed to want to be rock stars, or teachers, or firemen. We all have to go to coding club and tell everyone we’re going to be the next Steve Jobs or we’ll bring shame on our families.

Hope that helps,

Holly