By the time he hits puberty he’ll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders

Dear Holly,
I’m worried about my son’s behaviour. He wipes snot on everything, dribbles profusely and laughs at his own farts. How can I ensure his manners improve a bit before he becomes King?

Catherine Cambridge
London

holly2111111Dear Catherine,
Unfortunately, boys are made from slugs and snails and puppy dog tails, and there is nothing you can do about it. Brace yourself, because it will only get worse – by the time he hits puberty he’ll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders and flicking bogies at anything that moves. But it’s not all bad. Boys might be gross, but they are really good at some stuff that girls are rubbish at, like precision weeing and throwing spit bombs and making a realistic noise of a machine gun with their mouths, talents that our current female monarch sadly lacks, as far as I am aware.

Hope that helps!
Holly