Dear Holly: I'm not sleeping because of money worries

Dear Holly,

I’m not getting much sleep these days because of money worries. My husband doesn’t seem to care at all, and we are always bickering about him wasting money by leaving lights on, buying Tesco Finest instead of Value, and using up great swathes of loo roll. How can I get him to start realising money doesn’t grow on trees?

HRH Queen Elizabeth II

London

Dear Queen,

Having recently had my pocket money docked due to being caught watching inappropriate Miley Cyrus videos on YouTube I have direct experience of the misery of austerity. I’ve had to go without sweets for three days now and I’ve got the shakes. But like Miley herself says:

To my home girls here with the big butt

Shaking it like we at a strip club

Remember only God can judge ya

Forget the haters ’cause somebody loves ya

Now I’ve got Miley to guide me emotionally and morally through the difficult years ahead, I’ve stopped worrying about money and sweets and started considering having a glitter tattoo of a skull on my neck.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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Family’s excitement at getting on ferry rapidly fades

BEING on a ferry is f**king boring, a strike-hit British family has discovered.

Father-of-two Roy Hobbs said “We were stuck at Dover for hours because of those French workers striking, so you can imagine we were all pretty psyched about getting on the ferry.

“But there’s absolutely nothing to do apart from playing on the fruit machines and repeatedly browsing the duty-free shop. It’s like a floating limbo.

“At least in the car we could listen to the radio.”

Hobbs’s 12-year-old daughter Susan said: “According to a rumour going round, there’s a room on Deck 3 where they’re showing a video tape of The Neverending Story.

“Other than that it’s just sitting in a chair for hours, trying not to be sick.

“This is the most tedious thing I have ever experienced.”

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