Boss believes he’s not a prick outside of work

A SENIOR manager is under the impression that outside of work he somehow stops being a prick.

Martin Bishop knows that he is loathed in his workplace, but believes that his personality is somehow transformed when he leaves the office.

He said: “I am a tough, sometimes aggressive taskmaster and that can get some people’s backs up. They don’t realise I’m really a good person.

“When that clock hits 5.30pm and we hit the pub or maybe a lap dancing place, you’ll see a totally different side of me.

“I tell stories, I tip the girls well, and I don’t talk ‘shop’. Most all of, I treat my subordinates as if they were my social and intellectual equals.”

Bishop also added that he knows Alec Baldwin’s scene from Glengarry Glen Ross word for word but has never watched the whole film.

Roy Hobbs is a member of Bishop’s team: “I went for a drink with him one day to see if he was any different outside of work.

“He drank three pints while I was still on my first and then proceeded to talk at me for two hours about what I could be doing to be more like him at work.

“It was like getting a TED talk from a bitter, loveless stepfather.”

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Liverpool fans hail player they've never heard of as saviour

ROBERTO Firmino is the man to fire Liverpool to the Premier League title, according to supporters who only learned his name yesterday.

Firmino has signed from a German club no-one has ever head of for £29 million, and Reds fans are predicting great things for the right or left-sided player who is probably Brazilian.

Season ticket holder Joe Turner said: “I’ve always rated Firmino, ever since I first heard about him four hours ago. He’ll be the perfect replacement for Steven Gerrard, or maybe Raheem Sterling, or possibly Simon Mignolet.”

Fellow Kopite Bill McKay said: “It’s great this club can attract someone of Firmino’s calibre, assuming that calibre is high.”

Firmino said: “I am delighted to join whichever club it is that has just offered me £250,000 a week.

“Since childhood I have dreamed of being a desperate panic buy. It’s a great day.”