I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?

Dear Holly,

I was wondering if I would be suitable for the Paralympics, seeing as I am colourblind?


Dear Wayne,

We staged our own Olympics at playtime the other day, and ours was even better because we allowed both disableds and ableds to take part together because children aren’t prejudiced like adults. It was all going swimmingly until Aisha Patel got her wheelchair caught in a hurdle and we had to leave her on her side blocking the track, and then Matthew Potterton (who is partially disabled due to his recent circumcision) didn’t stop in time during the one hundred meters sprint and crashed into Aisha, causing some distress to her as well as his already tender privates. Matthew’s injury meant his mum withdrew her sponsorship offer of a Chupa Chup for every participant.

Hope that helps!


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Osborne 'to take Olympic spectators hostage'

GEORGE Osborne’s plans to ransom the 80,000 spectators to the Olympics opening ceremony have been leaked.

After new figures showed that the UK economy is as profitable as the hog roast stall next to the Wailing Wall, the chancellor has contrived the biggest caper in human history to get the country back on an equal financial footing with Bhutan.

Co-conspirator Tom Logan said: “Allocation of tickets has also been controlled to ensure everybody in the stadium has a wealthy family, with the exception of Liam Neeson’s daughter, who was removed from the list after we watched the film Taken.

“While the crowd are distracted by Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony – booing loudly and asking each other why they just paid two grand to watch somebody farm sheep – the doors to the stadium will be bolted shut.

“George was worried for a while that the rocket launchers to repel rescue attempts would be a bit obvious but everyone’s bought into that ‘terrorist plane hijack threat’ guff.

“And he always knew that G4S would make an absolute cow’s cock of supplying security, allowing him to introduce troops that George has bought off with the promise of a fully-nude Katherine Jenkins concert.”

One unexpected positive in the kidnap plot is the inclusion of Russell Brand in proceedings, who is actually going to be shot in the face by Osborne to show the world that he means business.

Many now hope that negotiators will accuse him of bluffing and that Coldplay are also dispatched to prove he absolutely is not pissing about.

Logan said: “If all 80,000 cough up the ransom money then the economy should be just fine, but we are worried that Prince Charles is going to see this as his big chance to get his mum’s job and tell George to go fuck himself.”