I've realised Justin Bieber is an utter jobby-head

Dear Holly,

I think I have fallen out of love with my husband. It’s a sad realisation, but it cannot be ignored that he is an enormous git. Is it ok if I just stop returning his calls?

Janine,

Dover

Dear Janine,

I know how you feel. I was in love with Justin Bieber until I realised he is a total and utter jobby-head. Once I was a devoted Belieber, spending every waking hour looking at Justin’s Instagram feed, swooning over endless photos of him looking like a lesbian on a Segway. It didn’t matter that he was into Jesus, I just wanted to throw myself on him and lick his enormous purple 80s sneaker boots and gasp in love-struck awe at his zebra print leisure pants. But then he started getting all huffy on Twitter and wearing gas-masks and playing his Gameboy when he was supposed to be performing. All of a sudden the global Bieber love spell was broken, and we all saw him for what he was: a massive Canadian tit. If you look at it like that, he’s no different from Bryan Adams, and that is the most chilling thought of all.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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John Lewis bonus paid in garlic presses and glass paperweights

JOHN Lewis has announced that its 17% staff bonuses will be paid in the form of non-essential household accessories.

According to the store, this will allow staff to enjoy an upper middle class lifestyle despite working in a shop.

Workers are taken into a Chamber of Improvement and allowed to choose from a range of melon ballers, egyptian cotton napkins and tea light holders, all with a stainless steel finish.

Bill McKay, an in-store Christmas elf, said: “John Lewis is very good to us. Well, we never actually see him – he’s locked behind a special partition and sort of booms at us from a loudspeaker, but we gather he’s a very kind if slightly overbearing giant.”

“Working here and having access to high quality ornamental goods has made me a better man. Time was, if someone gave me a knife I’d have gone out stabbing with it.

“Now I check for a hallmark and admire any detail on the handle first”.

Nikki Hollis, the store’s Head of Gently Condescending Services, said: “We give our workers the chance to dream of a better life.

“Well, obviously not one with tigers and swimming pools or anything. Just the chance to warm a croissant on a specially formulated toaster extension rack.”