'Mum hair' actually designed to ward off men

MIDDLE-AGED mothers get that ‘interesting’ short haircut so men will leave them alone, it has been confirmed.

Mary Fisher, 49, said: “I’m not an idiot, I am fully aware that my hair is now identical to that of a dinner lady. Clearly you all thought I’d lost it because of ‘hormones’.

“Actually I just wanted divorced men to stop hitting on me in the supermarket. I think this sends out a pretty strong signal.

“To hell with all this ‘Milf’ nonsense, I’ve worked hard and now I want to sit around reading Rose Tremain books without anyone trying to fuck me.”

The inevitable short haircut, which is commonly described as ‘nifty’, ‘different’ or ‘youthful-looking’, typically happens to mums at around the time they get really into gardening.

54-year-old Emma Bradford said: “It’s like the female equivalent of disappearing into a shed.

“Once we’ve made the decision, us mums go to the hairdresser, nod grimly and say ‘do it’.

“It’s a big deal, almost like a tribal rite of passage. Once you’ve got ‘mum hair’ there’s no turning back.”

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You are not a PhD astrophysicist

JUST watching a lot of BBC4 does not make you a qualified astrophysicist, it has been claimed.

Astrophysicists raised the issue in response to people confidently using terms like ‘event horizon’ and ‘Hawking radiation’ in the pub.

Dr Julian Cook said: “You might think you sound clever going on about string theory, but your ideas are just a loose summation of things read out by Morgan Freeman on the telly.

“This impressed everyone at your table because none of them has the Science Channel at home. Possibly they even bought you a drink or a bag of peanuts.

“But you never completed a PhD in Theoretical Physics because, basically, your brain is just not big enough.

“While gaining a C in A Level Maths is admittedly commendable, it was never going to be enough to admit you to an undergraduate physics degree – at least not at any university of note.

“For your information, people have to get one of these degrees before they can go on to study at postgraduate level.

“But do keep up the good work vis-a-vis telly. Professor Hawking will surely take your critical comments about his latest project with Go Compare on board.”