No matter what I do, everybody hates me

Dear Holly,

I’m really fed up with being unpopular. No matter what I do, everybody hates me. How do I get people to like me and think I’m cool?

Nick Clegg


Dear Nick,

Luckily it’s the start of autumn term; you’ve got the chance of a fresh start. You got in with a bad crowd in the past, and unfortunately they dragged you down, so this year, try to find a new set of friends who won’t bully you into doing daft things that make you look like a complete spanner. Think of the new academic year as a kind of rebranding process: ditch the old Hannah Montana pencil case and get yourself a smutty Miley Cyrus one instead. Most importantly, if you’re going to use bribery to gain respect, be sensible. Don’t give away rubbish stuff like free school dinners (you might as well be handing out free dog turds). You’re much more likely to win friends by inviting people round to play Grand Theft Auto V on your dad’s Playstation while he’s gone to B & Q.

Hope that helps!


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Booker Prize to gradually remove itself from own arse

THE Man Booker prize has taken the first steps towards clambering out of its own rectum.

Britain’s leading literary award will be opened up to authors from around the world amid hopes that it may eventually include writers who are not just showing off.

Experts said that within a decade the £50,000 prize could even go to an exciting story about a thing that happened to a person.

In recent years the prize has gone to books about someone remembering how they felt when they remembered things.

And in one shortlisted novel the main character was a memory about a feeling.

The exception in recent years has been Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall, which is a story about a thing that happened to a person, but still takes 14 pages to describe an old woman’s chin.