People have been calling me 'Scrooge' because I got spotted in Poundland

Dear Holly,

People have been calling me ‘Scrooge’ because I got spotted shopping in Poundland recently. I’m not bothered about the name calling, I’ve been called worse in my time, but I am concerned that my wife will have seen the photos in the papers and will realise her luxury mini spanner set and jumbo pack of Bodyform Ultra aren’t really from Selfridges. The magic of Christmas is potentially ruined. How can I fix it?

John Terry


Dear John,

Just ignore the nasty people calling you names, and focus on the real meaning of Christmas. If Jesus was alive today the three wise men would probably buy their gifts in Poundland too, and Mary would buy all the family clothes from George at Asda, and they’d all spend Christmas Day eating Iceland party platters in a Premier Inn. In the end all that matters is that we buy lots and lots of cheap products which we don’t really want, and eat nets full of chocolate coins until we puke.

Hope that helps!


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Everyone lives in their own parallel universe

GROUNDBREAKING research has revealed that everyone inhabits their own personal universe which rarely intersects with others.

The findings posit billions of universes which come into existence and blink out every day, but most are impossible to reach because it’s so hard to be bothered.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “My breakthrough came when we fired a young intern in our lab.

“The domino effect of that one simple decision saw him dumped by his girlfriend, evicted from his flat and forced into work as a security guard.

“I suddenly realised that an incident of little import in my world – I sacked him on a whim because of his annoying haircut – had massive repercussions in his, and that boring parallel universes were closer to us than we ever imagined.”

Wayne Hayes of Nottingham said: “Like all the great scientific discoveries, it’s perfectly obvious in retrospect.

“In the history of my universe, for example, the defeat of Hitler by Churchill and the allies was a major turning point. But in my wife’s universe, that’s a forgotten historical footnote compared to the epoch-changing break-up of Jordan and Peter Andre.

“Incredible to think that all this time, there’s been a parallel universe right there with me on the sofa.

“And it completely explains why it’s impossible for me to pay attention to her stories about who said what to who at work, because in my universe those people simply don’t exist.”