She’s in hospital because Prince William has done something dreadful to her

Dear Holly,

I am ecstatic that Kate Middleton is up the duff, mostly because it means that lovely slender tummy of hers is going to become a flaccid sack of stretch marks. Serves her right. Don’t you just love the wonder of pregnancy?

Michelle

Essex

Dear Michelle,

I’m a little bit confused about the whole ‘pregnancy’ thing myself, to be honest. My granny’s always telling me babies are delivered by a stork, but this doesn’t explain why Kate has ended up in hospital. Even a fool must realise she’s in hospital because Prince William has done something dreadful to her. Amanda Sullivan’s mum works in Boots so knows all about that stuff, and she told Amanda that Wills put his penis into Kate’s vagina. None of us know what those things are but I’m guessing they’re fashion accessories. You can probably get a nice vagina from Dorothy Perkins, and no doubt Halfords and Maplins have a decent range of penises of various sizes and functionality. If vaginas are anything like handbags, I expect the current trend is for something oversized and with a chunky zip.

Hope that helps!

Holly