Who’s lying – the bobby or the bike-riding bastard?

Dear Holly,

The chief whip is telling me one thing, and my security team is telling me the opposite. I’m finding it so incredibly hard to guess at which one is saying untruths: the elitist bike-riding bastard with the overblown sense of entitlement, or the pleb. It’s just too hard. Can you help?

David Cameron 


Dear David,

That’s a tough one – you can never tell if a grown-up is fibbing or not because they’re so good at it. Take my daddy, for example. My mummy asks him if she looks ok, and he always says ‘you look fabulous, darling’ when in actual fact you can see her fat tummy and her big knickers under her dress. And when daddy’s boss and his wife come over for drinks, daddy spends all night laughing and telling them how much he enjoys their company – but in fact he thinks his boss is an incompetent dickhead and his wife is a stuck-up bitch who needs to lay off the botox. So yesterday, when I asked if it was ok to draw a picture of My Little Pony doing a big jobby on the screen of daddy’s new iPad in permanent marker, I immediately took it for granted that he meant the opposite of what he said.

Hope that helps!