Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If that’s your idea of a ‘full and frank’ apology I’d hate to hear a ‘cursory and evasive’ one.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Remember, skinny doesn’t feel as good as pork scratchings taste.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Got my first six strings, back in the summer of ’69, and ever since that day I’ve been collecting twine.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your band are given the ultimate insult this week as Tim Lovejoy asks for your single to feature on an ad bumper for Sunday Brunch.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Money is still a problem as you’re reduced to buying a Twix on three years’ interest-free credit.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After convincing HR that ‘Jedi’ is an actual religion, you spend the rest of the week telling your boss ‘This isn’t the perpetually late employee stinking of rum you’re looking for’.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After taking an online quiz to find out which flavour of Pringles you are, your laptop does the decent thing and explodes hot chunks of plastic into your face.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A lot of runners talk about ‘hitting the wall’ but you’re so out of shape, yours is the one at the bottom of the front garden.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Apparently one of the tattoos you got in Thailand says pig provider excellent slowly. Which you should have noticed before, given it’s written in English.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh sure, but when you bite somebody at work in retaliation you’re told you’re not allowed to be a vet any more.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s nice weather to dry some washing. A good day to wash some clothes, perhaps. Look, just change your underwear once in a while for Christ’s sake.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Life 40 You 0. New balls, please.