Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If that’s your idea of a ‘full and frank’ apology I’d hate to hear a ‘cursory and evasive’ one.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Remember, skinny doesn’t feel as good as pork scratchings taste.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Got my first six strings, back in the summer of ’69, and ever since that day I’ve been collecting twine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your band are given the ultimate insult this week as Tim Lovejoy asks for your single to feature on an ad bumper for Sunday Brunch.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Money is still a problem as you’re reduced to buying a Twix on three years’ interest-free credit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After convincing HR that ‘Jedi’ is an actual religion, you spend the rest of the week telling your boss ‘This isn’t the perpetually late employee stinking of rum you’re looking for’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After taking an online quiz to find out which flavour of Pringles you are, your laptop does the decent thing and explodes hot chunks of plastic into your face.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A lot of runners talk about ‘hitting the wall’ but you’re so out of shape, yours is the one at the bottom of the front garden.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Apparently one of the tattoos you got in Thailand says “pig provider excellent slowly”. Which you should have noticed before, given it’s written in English.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh sure, but when you bite somebody at work in retaliation you’re told you’re not allowed to be a vet any more.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s nice weather to dry some washing. A good day to wash some clothes, perhaps. Look, just change your underwear once in a while for Christ’s sake.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Life 40 You 0. New balls, please.

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England squad begins 10-year voyage home

ROY Hodgson and his England team have boarded their ship to begin their epic journey back to the UK.

The squad, who will row a two-masted trireme, expect to be home within a month but have embarked on an odyssey that will last a decade.

Hodgson said: “First of all we’ll be blown off course to the Falkland Islands where Adam Lallana will be sodomised by a one-eyed man in a cave.

“That is mainly his own fault, though, because he disguised himself as a sheep.

“Next, a mysterious sorceress will transform the entire squad into pigs for a bit which, again, looking at most of them I’m sure they can take in their stride.

“The beautiful sirens who’ll attempt to lure us to our deaths on rocks will be ignored, first because the lads are used to that kind of thing and second because they’ve all got their headphones on.

“Finally, we’ll arrive back in England to find that ten years have passed, that all their clubs and WAGs have long since replaced them and that their names are pretty much forgotten.

“Which still compares well to the esteem in which the Golden Generation are held, and at least we’ve missed Mark Lawrenson’s post-match analysis.”