It wasn’t as if Suarez bit a child, say experts

EXPERTS have stressed that Luis Suarez bit a large Italian footballer and not a tiny child.

With many calling for the Uruguayan striker to be jailed, doctors said Suarez’s victim had already made a full recovery, despite pretending to be dead.

Sports injury specialist, Dr Martin Bishop, said: “The key difference between biting an opponent and going in hard with your studs up is that biting them is much, much more interesting.

“The actual biting injury is usually pretty mild. Mr Suarez is a medium-sized Uruguayan, not a Sumatran tiger.”

Dr Bishop added: “If Mr Suarez had ran towards the crowd, grabbed a small child and bit it on the face, then yes, you want the police involved at that point.

“But, as far as I understand, Mr Suarez has no desire to bite infants. He just wants to bite large professional footballers. Preferably Italian.

“Despite what Alan Shearer may tell you, that’s perfectly normal.”

Meanwhile, many fans have welcomed the incident and called on Fifa to legalise biting on a trial basis.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There is something dark and primal about it which I find utterly irresistible.

“Give both teams 10 bites each. And it has to be below the waist.”


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Historically accurate 80s night features nuclear paranoia, AIDS and riots

A NEW 1980s-themed nightclub gives patrons an authentic experience of a profoundly painful decade.

The Atomic! club, which opens in Birmingham next week,  takes clubbers chronologically through the years 1980-1989.

Owner Tom Booker said: “We begin with the place in flames from a race riot, bin lids and bricks flying through the air, and it only gets more exciting.

“Everyone acts like they’re enjoying themselves but inwardly they’re convinced they’re going to die in a nuclear holocaust, which lends it the thinly-veiled desperation of a stag night.

“Nobody gets any sex because they’re too terrified of catching a terminal disease. Homophobia is, of course, encouraged.

“About halfway through the night the yuppies arrive and three-quarters of the dancefloor gets cordoned off for their exclusive use.

“The good news is if you stay until about quarter to two, just before we close, we give you an E and then knock down the wall with sledgehammers.”

The club charges £10 admission for Southerners and everything in the current account, your savings and your house for Northerners, the Scottish and the Welsh.

22-year-old Helen Archer said: “This is completely wrong. The entirety of the 80s is: Rubik’s Cube, puffball skirts, Knight Rider and the milder aspects of Margaret Thatcher.

“I won’t have people rewriting history.”