Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My best friend and I have been close
for as long as I can remember. We’re like sisters. Lately, however,
things haven’t been so good between us. It seems we’re both very keen
on this bloke, and it’s ruining our usually solid friendship. I have
to say, she’s being pretty pathetic about the whole thing, and what
was a bit of healthy competition between us is now turning into full
blown war. It all came to a head the other day when I slashed the
tyres of her Mazda MX5 and scratched ‘whore’ onto the bonnet, and
then she turned up at my door throwing eggs and screaming about how I
should leave her husband alone and find my own man – totally
pathetic. Anyway, I need to borrow her GHDs: do you think it’s too
late to bury the hatchet?

Dear Tina,
It’s always a shame when two good pals
have a fall out. I think the same sort of thing is happening between
England and Scotland just now and my teacher said that one day soon
they might stop being friends for good, all because the big fat man,
Mr Salmon, who is in charge of the Scotch, is trying to convince his
subjects to go to war with the English. Apparently, Scotland never
really wanted to hang about with England in the first place because
it was a big bully, but because Scotland had no money to pay for all
the tonnes of Irn Bru and shortbread which everyone eats for tea, it
had to chum up with mean old England who had loads of cash in the
Queen’s piggy bank that she must have nicked from somewhere. But now
Mr Salmon has come along and he must be able to do magic because he’s
making everything free in Scotland, so no-one has to pay for medicine
or university or Irn Bru ever again, whereas cruel Mr Cameron makes
all the poor English pay double, AND give all their spare cash to
Ireland. Try to see a way through this, and save your friendship
before you have no friends at all except the Welsh, which is of
course the same as having no friends at all.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week will  consist mostly of complaining vociferously about press intrusion into personal lives whilst privately wanking yourself soppy over the photos.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re right, The Simpsons has gone completely downhill and subsequently the latest series is only four billion times funnier than anything you’ve ever thought of.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, why not take the kids to see that film about the guy with the long hair and the hammer who’s been sent to Earth on a mission from the gods? Who doesn’t love Peter Sutcliffe?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your kids are at that difficult age when they’re too old for toys but too young to get the fuck out of your house.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Unhappy with the speed of your broadband, you tell Sky that your promise to pay ‘up to 100%’ of your bill actually meant ‘about 23%’ of your bill.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You finally realise you’re not at the world’s best university when they announce their intention to award the Emeritus Chair in Applied Mathematics  to a Chuckle Brother.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Absinthe famously inspired such artists as Latrec, Rimbaud and Wilde but to be honest it’s just a really expensive way of watering down your meths.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sometimes when your cat looks up at you, it’s almost like he’s a little person. That still doesn’t mean you can make love to him.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Have you been going to the gym recently? No, you don’t look any thinner, but you do fucking stink.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
So much of possible human endeavour has already been achieved, which is why you find yourself sat in a helicopter preparing to become the first person to poop into an active volcano.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft. Please move your vehicle as it’s parked in a loading bay.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
There’s always somebody worse off than you are, but if you don’t stop your trivial, pissy moaning that can always be rearranged.