Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I was doing a bit of weeding in the garden this weekend,
and as I was crouching by the fence, I realised I could overhear the
conversation of our next door neighbours. As I listened further, I began
to hear all sorts of juicy information about their sordid sex life
which was so racy it nearly gave me the dry boke amongst the geraniums.
What makes it better is that she’s the local head of the WI and he’s the
school headmaster. This stuff is way too interesting to keep to myself;
what is the quickest way of broadcasting it to the wider community?

Dear Helen,
If you’ve been reading the news this week, you’ll know all about why you’re not supposed to listen in on people’s private conversations, even if you know you’ll get some juicy gossip out of it. Apparently, some nosy rich guy called Rudolph Murdoch was earwigging on the Queen and Hugh Grant who were phoning each other up to talk about what they’d had for tea and what happened on Eastenders and then Rudolph would write about it the next day in his papers. But sadly for big-ears, he snooped once too often and now everyone is very angry with him. What this should tell you is that even if you get loads of pocket money and are pals with loads of big bullies like Rudolph, you still can’t buy the right to spy on other people. Plus if you’re going to go to all that trouble, you may as well go straight to the top and spy on Santa: at least then you can find out what you’re getting for Christmas.

Hope that helps!



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North-South divide becoming science fiction thing

NORTHERNERS may soon be living in tunnels while those in the south grow to nine feet tall and float around, it was claimed last night.

As it emerged that your chances of surviving serious illness vary considerably depending on whether you inhabit the ‘golden cities’ of the south or the coal-stinking catacombs of the north, there was speculation that Britain was inevitably evolving towards something HG Wells might have come up with, with perhaps a hint of Total Recall thrown in.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “With its vast inequalities, random brutality and pseudo-chicken ‘bucket meals’, Britain is definitely turning into something from a depressing science fiction paperback. Which is dreadful but perhaps also slightly exciting if you like that type of thing.

“Personally I imagine a near future where people in the South are nine feet tall and slender with flowing golden locks, floating around on cloud-like robot pouffes, quaffing delicate musical truffles and organic, artisan orgasm pills. A massive steel fence will split the country somewhere near Derby, and everyone north of that will live in caves, emerging only to fight to the death with sticks over a months-old pie crust.

“The savage northern tribes will evolve into massively powerful albinos called ‘trollochs’, jump the fence and kill everyone in the south, serving them right.

Sociologist Nikki Hollis said: “Professor Brubaker’s theories are absurd, riddled with prejudice and cliche.

“What will really happen is that massive food shortages will make it necessary to grind up everyone from Newcastle into edible beer-scented triangles called ‘Soylent Broon’.

“The Southerners will be vaguely aware that they are cannibalising their fellows, but will be too busy dancing to an ironic Coldcut tribute act at the Big Chill 2145 to care.

“And there will be dinosaurs in Wales and Geordie Shore will still be on.”