Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

The shit has really hit the fan at work and so a quick career change might be on the cards very soon. The only thing is, I’ve been doing the same job for years and so I’m not sure what I’d be good at. Anything that involves contradicting myself and/or making a complete arse of things might be a good place to start. Any suggestions?

Theresa May

Dear Theresa

Have you ever thought about being a primary school teacher? All you need is a stern pointy finger, breath that smells like a five-day-old corpse, and an obsession with sugar paper and red pens. You don’t even need any qualifications because none of the children question what you’re telling them and if they do you just call them insolent little squirts and put them on the naughty table. My teacher, Mrs Dodkins, is always making stuff up, like she did about that chap Isaac Newton who supposedly shot an apple off his son’s head. How, exactly, does this gravity stuff explain how Oliver French threw his bouncy ball up in the playground on Thursday and it never EVER came back down again? I know it happened because I saw it with my own eyes. Lying old Mrs Dodkins even tried to convince us that God doesn’t make new clean water for us to drink every day, but instead we get the old stuff that has been flushed down the toilet with turds and bits of dental floss in it that’s just floated off back into the sky somehow. Honestly, the woman must think we’re all so thick!

Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

The great thing about the Kindle is that people on the bus can’t judge you based on what you’re reading and you can concentrate on what happens after the dog runs after the red ball.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
There ain’t no party like an S Club party. But if you invite six friends around for drinks, one of whom has had a considerably more successful recent career than everyone else, then it’s pretty close.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After years of putting your penis in anything vaguely woman-shaped, you’re amazed this week that it’s completely fucking the economy that results in you losing your job.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As 2011 draws to a close, you look back on the preceding 11 months and wonder whether 2010 told this year that you had bareback loveplay with its mother.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week why not have fun with all your Daily Mail-reading colleagues by sending them Winterval cards and erecting ‘Winterval bunting’ made of Amnesty International leaflets around the office?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bit of a surprise this week at the doctor’s when the ‘flu jab’ turns out to be him punching you in the face and telling you to stop wasting his time.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Eddie Murphy & Ben Stiller in a movie directed by the guy who did X Men 3 and Rush Hour? What could possibly go wrong? Well, yes, there’s that. And that. Hmm, that too, you’re right…

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you’re going to have a once in a lifetime experience. Yep, you’re going to die.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The arrival of the Christmas adverts on telly has really put you in the festive spirit and as a result you take a week off work to get pissed and eat like a pig.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Everybody thinks of you as an easygoing, fun-loving social animal but they haven’t seen your intellectual, sensitive, thoughtful side. Largely because it doesn’t exist.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
While most employers value people who think outside the box, your boss at the funeral parlour asks you to stop suggesting it to the customers.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your application to Masterchef is unsuccessful after they realise your description of your cooking style of ‘sexy food’ actually means it’s littered with pubes.