Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’ve been amassing a personal collection of dildos for many happy years. As my 40th birthday is approaching, I thought I might showcase my efforts in a more public arena by writing to the producers of The One Show or possibly The Antiques Roadshow (some of my ‘pieces’ are quite old) and offer myself up for interview. My only worries are that: 1) people might not fully appreciate my impressive collection; and 2) Fiona Bruce might make off with the Black Mamba when my back is turned. Should I throw caution to the wind and ask the world to join me in celebrating my dildos?
Claire Dew,

Dear Claire,
Aren’t dildos extinct? I’m sure my teacher said they were. Anyway, well done you for sticking with it and building up a big collection, but try to resist becoming a big show off because it’ll end badly for you, just like it did for a girl in my class called Sharon Eccles. She thought she was the bees knees because she had 3,407 miniature frogs in her prized collection. True enough, she did have some excellent specimens, but they lost their charm after she brought them in to show everyone in assembly and got completely over-excited and sharted in front of the whole school. After that, no-one really cared about the thousands of rubbish frogs, they just wanted to catch a glimpse of Sharon Eccles sobbing with embarrassment while Mrs Roberts took her off to find the spare pants in lost property.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your blind date describes herself as ‘warm, bubbly and lots of fun’ which either means she’s overweight or she’s a jacuzzi.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you’ll get somebody fired for doing what you told them to do just to avoid having to answer some slightly awkward questions and you won’t lose a single wink of sleep over it. Good for you.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re flattered when your son’s doctor friends call you a MILF, not realising it actually stands for a Myocardial Infarction-Likely Female.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time, I’m having a ball. Don’t stop me now, if you wanna have a good time, phone somebody else you boring tit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The characters in the new computer game you’ve bought have amazingly realistic artificial intelligence which really comes into it’s own this week when they stop having anything to do with you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Jupiter looms large in your sign this month, looking over your shoulder when you’re trying to read the paper. Arsehole.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While other parents might complain about taking their teenage daughter to see the latest Twilight film, you’re happy to have the message that going anywhere near a boy’s cock might kill them rammed home in THX surround sound.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re disappointed that your section in Jamie’s Great Britain has been edited out, probably because you told him to keep his spitty face away from the pie you baked.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The first fingers of a tropical dawn pierce the leaf fronds of the coco trees, through which crystalline points of light pick out a gently-lapping tide that’s travelled all the way from the Indonesian coast to the caster sugar shoreline of your Seychelles home. Anyway, no time to stop and stare, you’ve got to make breakfast for 300 pasty-skinned, rich tourists for 25 pence an hour.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Everybody has their moment in the sun and yours will come this week on page 12, under the headline ‘Ban this pervert from owning a tortoise’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re confused by the ska album on your iPod, mainly because you don’t own any ska albums, until you realise it’s a heavy dub reggae album and you’ve taken an unfeasible amount of amphetamines.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s not easy when your office Secret Santa price limit is £5, as it doesn’t buy enough air freshener to disguise the smell of the wrapped-up turd you’re giving your boss.