Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My wife is having it off with the chap who lives at no 65. I wouldn’t mind so much, as it keeps her off my back of an evening. However, people at the Post Office are starting to talk, plus she’s lent him my strimmer and I need it back. Should I call time on her little dalliance, or fuck the lawn and enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts?
Bridge of Weir

Dear Steve,
You sound a lot like that fellow Joseph from the nativity. He knew naughty Mary was having an affair with God but didn’t say anything at all, even when God’s best pal, the angel Gabriel, was off spreading rumours to all the shepherds about how God and Mary were doing it behind Joseph’s back. Joseph must have felt like a prize idiot. If I were him I’d have been like, “why don’t you let me ride on the camel for a bit you lazy cheating cow?”. We asked our teacher why Joseph didn’t just dump Mary and she said it was the ‘Immaculate Conception’. I think that’s because God didn’t use one of those rubber jonnys like we found in the playground once. If I were you I’d stop being such a pushover and tell Mary she can find her own hotel room.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Thanks for that, he was a right old prick.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care. Now give me everything in the till or I’ll blow your fucking head off.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After discovering from Santa that you’re not really an elf you journey through a magical kingdom to New York where you eventually wake up stinking of mushrooms and piss.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Watching Skins really speaks to you about your teenage years, mostly that they didn’t take place in the fevered cocaine imagination of a Hoxton fucknut.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You schedule a meeting with HR after your boss instigates a new team building exercise called ‘Bring Photos of Your Teenage Daughter to Work Friday’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Loneliness is a cloak you wear. And the shade of blue is always there. As well as the Um Bongo stains and dried sobwank.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A good sense of humour has always been your most important quality in a boyfriend and your new man has the funniest gigantic penis you have ever seen.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
To be or not to be, that is the question. What? To be, you reckon? Righto.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You say you don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re stoking the fire but that presupposes that you  see a vagina as something that should have coal stuffed into and ignited. Get a fucking grip.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
One-two buckle my shoe. Three, four knock on the door. Five, six sling your arse down the offie and pick me up a shed-load of Stella, there’s a good chap.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A red-letter day for you as scientists prove that doing something creative requires exactly the same amount of talent and effort as going in Twitter and saying it’s shit.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You want to say it with diamonds this year, unfortunately it is going to cost a fortune to spell out ‘your arse has got huge’.