Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union. This is why I am preparing to kill the infidel, Alex Salmond, who threatens this proud nation with his vile Scotch treachery. I intend to break into his house, put on Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds at full volume, tie him to a chair with pretty tartan ribbon and then force feed him haggis until he bursts. Do you know roughly how long this will take because I have to be at work in an hour?

Dear Sandra
I’m not sure but I do know that my granny is the same age as the Queen so they probably went to school together. I bet if my granny phoned her up, the Queen would invite her round to play at her house and I bet she’d serve up really posh biscuits, like Fox’s Gold Crunch, and you’d have to take your shoes off before going inside Buckingham Palace and the Queen would have a triple bunk bed with a built in flat screen TV and every wall covered in signed pictures of Justin Bieber. But the Queen might regret asking my granny over, because my granny always leaves a strange damp patch where she’s been sitting and she farts really loudly when she bends over. Plus she’d probably take her little dog Bilko along with her and he’d try to hump the corgis with his little red penis and leave a tiny turd in Her Majesty’s slipper. But I’m sure the Queen wouldn’t care, because her corgis are probably always doing jobbies in footwear. And then they’d both go to collect their pensions on the 63 bus and pick up a nice bit of pork luncheon meat for tea and my granny would invite the Queen back to have a go on her electric hoist thingy that lowers you into the bath. I bet the Queen would be so jealous when she saw that!
Hope that helps!