Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union. This is why I am preparing to kill the infidel, Alex Salmond, who threatens this proud nation with his vile Scotch treachery. I intend to break into his house, put on Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds at full volume, tie him to a chair with pretty tartan ribbon and then force feed him haggis until he bursts. Do you know roughly how long this will take because I have to be at work in an hour?

Dear Sandra
I’m not sure but I do know that my granny is the same age as the Queen so they probably went to school together. I bet if my granny phoned her up, the Queen would invite her round to play at her house and I bet she’d serve up really posh biscuits, like Fox’s Gold Crunch, and you’d have to take your shoes off before going inside Buckingham Palace and the Queen would have a triple bunk bed with a built in flat screen TV and every wall covered in signed pictures of Justin Bieber. But the Queen might regret asking my granny over, because my granny always leaves a strange damp patch where she’s been sitting and she farts really loudly when she bends over. Plus she’d probably take her little dog Bilko along with her and he’d try to hump the corgis with his little red penis and leave a tiny turd in Her Majesty’s slipper. But I’m sure the Queen wouldn’t care, because her corgis are probably always doing jobbies in footwear. And then they’d both go to collect their pensions on the 63 bus and pick up a nice bit of pork luncheon meat for tea and my granny would invite the Queen back to have a go on her electric hoist thingy that lowers you into the bath. I bet the Queen would be so jealous when she saw that!
Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your interest in appearing on University Challenge quickly wanes when you realise it’s not about asking tosspot students to step outside.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
More problems with the local cinema manager when he refuses to let you pay one percent of the ticket price to watch the tiny bit of ‘Chronicle’ that the trailer hasn’t completely ruined.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind. As well as offering important rail and road links to both parts of the city and representing one of its major architectural features. If I’m being honest, I don’t really have time for your trivial, whining shit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not celebrate 60 years of not dying by asking millions of people to throw you a party whenever you’re passing through their village and buy you a load of shit you can afford to buy yourself?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s annoying when a hen party invades your local. Being dragged out of your pub for sexually molesting a bouncer and stinking of Malibu while dressed as a saucy nun is who you are.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the latest round of redundancies at work miss you out once again, your company’s decision to continue your employment has gone from the fortunate to the baffling to the blatantly sarcastic.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your new moisturiser has got hydration-enriched proteins and patented ‘Wrinkless’© technology that has been proven to reduce aging by up to eight years with continued use. Yes, of course it has, you fucking child.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re exhausted after doing 90 minutes down the gym today, as it can be very tiring furtively masturbating under a newspaper while staring at an aerobics class.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They don’t call Jupiter a ‘gas giant’ for nothing, do they? Could somebody open a window and spray some Glade?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Oh, you want the stars to predict your future now, do you? The other week it was all about Brian Cox and his ‘science’. Why not get Brian to tell you whether romance is on the horizon? Arseholes, the lot of you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your self-actualisation mantra for this week is ‘I will not start sobbing next to the yoghurt in Asda again’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Confucius reminded us that even the longest journey starts with a single step, as does the one to the offie to get me 20 Rothmans and a half dozen Kestrel Super. Off you pop.