I'm a 30 year-old man and I think I'm in love with the woman next door, who happens to be nearly 45 years older than me. Although she looks vaguely like an elephant's scrotum I become aroused every time she puts out the milk bottles and I catch a glimpse of her stunning large bosom straining against her Littlewood's cardigan. It's as if Diana Dors has come back from the grave. Is there something terribly wrong with me?
Sometimes, when my parents are feeling selfish and neglectful, they invite my granny over to baby-sit for the evening. I hate it when this happens because my granny reeks of wee. Also, she makes me sit with her all night and listen to boring stories about the olden days, and about dead people called Edna and Dolly. I'm sure my granny is at least 200 years old, and she will probably die soon. Although I don’t really want her to die, it wouldn't be such a bad thing because at least that would mean I wouldn't have to watch Dad’s Army ever again. So I'd avoid your neighbour if I were you. Although from afar she may appear to be a sultry temptress, she'll probably just end up making you eat semolina, or knitting you an embarrassing balaclava for school.
Hope that helps!