Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Although I'm great at my job, my boss is always favouring other staff and passing me over for promotion. Short of oral, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do to get ahead. Do you think there's any strategy I can adopt which doesn't involve me putting his wrinkly, 50-year-old testicles in my mouth?

Dear Louise,
It's difficult to be best in the class when there are so many others competing for attention, but you must face this struggle with steadfast determination if you are to win. If your boss is anything like my teacher you simply need to learn a few unspoken rules of engagement, and you'll soon make progress in the boardroom.

It goes without saying that you should NEVER shout out when the boss asks a question. Only idiotic boys do that and they invariably end up on the naughty table with the other morons. However, simply raising your hand in the air does not guarantee your selection either. You need to augment your raised arm by gradually lifting your whole body until you are almost kneeling up on your chair, whilst simultaneously pulling your best pleading face and making anxious squeaking noises to direct the boss's gaze in your direction. Providing you can get your arm higher than everyone else's, you've got a good chance of being picked. If someone else beats you to it then simply point higher and squeak louder next time.

Hope that helps!

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Satanist Nurse Faces Sack For Summoning Demon

A SATAN-worshipping nurse is facing the sack after summoning flesh-eating homunculi during working hours.

Jackie Simpson, a senior staff nurse at Doncaster Royal Infirmary, has defended her actions insisting she is a diligent professional whose work is not affected by her devotion to the Lord of the Flies and his horde of pus-filled abominations.

She said: "On the day in question we were short-staffed due to a rota cock-up, so I decided the only way to get the beds made was to create two magical mini-men out of goat's blood and saltpetre.

"I then recited a spell from my goatskin-bound grimoire which animated their misshapen forms, leaving them perfectly prepared to do the NHS's bidding.

"The resulting homunculi were extremely efficient, cheerful and allowed us to get the rounds done in time for visiting hours."

However management took exception when one of the homunculi, named Metanqua, was found feeding on a recently-deceased patient.

Simpson said: "'The ward sister asked if Metanqua and the other homunculous, Korazon, could stay and do a double shift as there still wasn't any money to pay nurses and I said yes, but they would need some human flesh as sustenance.

"She said that was fine as there was an MRSA victim with no relatives about to be incinerated, they could have a bit of her. But when senior management found out, all hell broke loose, metaphorically speaking.

She added: "If you ask me, it's all about politics."