AFGHAN refugees camped on the outskirts of Calais were today being urged to explain why they want to live in a country where people complain about the quality of the judges on a celebrity dancing show.
As French police closed down the 'Jungle' refugee camp, officials at the UK Border Agency warned the asylum seekers they would be arriving right in the middle of one of the worst Strictly Come Dancing-based rows this year.
A spokesman said: "Afghanistan is a vile place run by corrupt politicians, with a worthless currency and where nothing works.
"So the only real difference between there and here is that they're caught up in a never-ending tribal war and we're phoning the BBC to complain about Alesha Dixon. I swear to God, I honestly don't know which is worse."
Khalid Harzai, a 25 year-old engineer from Kandahar who arrived in Calais last month, said: "The conditions here are not good but at least they are not as bad as Alesha Dixon, who is totally out of her depth."
Meanwhile psychologist Dr Bill McKay said the intensity of the latest Strictly Come Dancing war suggests Britain is now clinging to its collective sanity like Leonardo DiCaprio hanging on to that plank at the end of Titanic.
He added: "I have urged many of my patients to stop watching television and perhaps read a book, but of course I may as well be asking them to sculpt a replica of the Coliseum out of corned beef."
Television viewer Nikki Hollis said: "Danni Minogue and Alesha Dixon are terrible judges. That Adrian Chiles is on telly too much and I think Justin Lee Collins is hysterical."
She added: "I'm allowed to vote in general elections and stuff."