Dear Holly,
My girlfriend of several years keeps pestering me to make things official and marry her. Although I'm not wholly opposed to the idea, I am slightly worried that marriage could ruin our relationship completely. I've seen it happen too many times to other people: as soon as you put a ring on her finger it's like a man-trap snapping shut on your leg, and you are forever caught in a life of dismal servitude to a sour-faced, tyrannical spouse. Everywhere I go I can see it in the eyes of already-married men: they have a haunted, pleading look which screams, silently, 'SAVE YOURSELF!' as they stand behind their captor in BHS. Any suggestions?
Brian,
Swansea
Dear Brian,
If you want a decent chance at having a successful marriage, you'll need to write a nice letter to Queen Elizabeth II. She decides who can and can't get married in this country because she is the ruler of the Universe. Her husband is called Gordon Brown, and he is responsible for fertilising all the married ladies who want to get pregnant. He always looks very tired because he is very busy fertilising all the ladies of Britain while his wife makes all the laws and executes terrorists in the Tower of London. In the next election, David Cameron will become the Queen's new husband, because all the ladies would prefer him to fertilise them rather than smelly old Gordon Brown.
When you have been impregnated by Gordon Brown, you become a member of the Labour Party and you can have lots of babies. But it's not just mummies and daddies who can get into politics. If you are a man who likes to do naughty things with other men, then you can apply to join the Liberal Democrats. If you don't like to do naughty things with anyone, you can become a Conservative, and if you like to do bad stuff to animals, then I think you have to join the BNP.
Hope that helps!
Holly
