Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boyfriend and I have recently been talking about spicing things up in the bedroom and maybe acting out some of our secret fantasies for each other, which now turns out to have been an enormous error. I thought I was being racy when I suggested I dress up as a nurse and let him spank me. But then he suddenly confessed that he wants me to pretend that we are Tony and Cherie Blair and that I need to prevent him from taking the country to war by repeatedly striking him about his person with an enormous black dildo. I'm not sure if I am up for that. Any suggestions?

Dear Elaine,
As you have clearly discovered, sometimes allowing men access to your fantasies can be dangerous. My new best friend Olivia and I were playing 'let's pretend' in her new Wendy house the other day when we experienced a similar predicament to the one you describe. I was mummy and she was the daughter and we were having a jolly old time making a beautiful cake out of play-doh. But then we let her snotty little brother Colin join the fun and next thing we know, the house was being attacked by an army of toxic zombies whose relentless assault was only temporarily held back by Colin's impressive arsenal of invisible weaponry. It was only a matter of time before the zombies had breached the perimeter, torn the Wendy house apart and stamped all over the cake. Homeless and terrified, Olivia and I resolved never to play 'let's pretend' with Colin again.
Hope that helps!


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Fresh Delay To Rustenberg Sex Dungeon

BUILDERS working on England's World Cup base in South Africa have admitted the underground depravity cave may not be completed on schedule.

Managers at the Rustenberg complex say the four-berth leather sex swings have yet to be installed while the beams must be repositioned to accommodate the 100-inch plasma screen where the players will watch videos of themselves having sex with women who have received money from John Terry.

Architect Charles Reeves said: "This structure has to be capable of fulfilling the sordid urges of 22 sexually-voracious men at the peak of physical fitness, and Emile Heskey.

"The 300-gallon lube tank has arrived but it will take another month to plumb it in to the bedrooms. And if you know of a place on the African continent where I can buy a 35-foot hot tub with underwater cameras then please do let me know."

England coach Fabio Capello visited Rustenberg this week and said he was pleased with the mound of rubble where his team is meant to be staying.

He said: "It's a great improvement on the last time I was here, when it was 30 acres of goatherding pasture and a single water pump. And there are certainly a lot more men leaning on shovels."

Capello also insisted his squad will remain focussed on football and the worst the England fans could expect is a 48-hour scandal involving 25 strippers and an industrial belt-sander.

He added: "The Rustenberg centre has been specially designed so they can indulge themselves in a quick reverse Dutch steamboat or a relaxing bout of Frenchman's Damnation, all within easy reach of an ultra sound massage device."