IMMIGRANT workers have demanded government action after discovering Daily Mail journalists are receiving large salaries for the things they write.
The outcry comes after pictures of Mail columnists' luxury homes and fancy cars were published in the Shit Jobs Gazette.
Tomasz Vereski, who works 19-hour days as a gusset-scraper in an underwear recycling factory, said: "I can write English sentences, understand the concept of the lowest common denominator and can bang my head against a bannister until I damage my brain, but have I got a column in the Mail?
"I probably couldn't even get a regular gig at the Daily Express."
He added: "Where is my comfortable office and my large converted barn in the Cotswolds full of labradors and cheese and immigrant cleaners? I am filled with righteous indignation."
Somali mother-of-two Bala Ibrahim said: "I don't have time to do a proper job, so tossing off 300 words for the Mail about how I should be deported for getting massive benefit cheques, state-funded spa treatments and free Xbox games would be an excellent way to earn enough money to pay my gas bill.
"Alternately, I could channel my anger at witnessing my family members being macheted to death into a Liz Jones-type piece about the frustrations of living in a village full of people who don't know what Brioche is.
"Here, I will do 500 words now on the back of this cereal box and send it to Paul Dacre."
A spokesman for the Daily Mail said: "There is a great deal of myth about our journalists' pay.
"Contrary to popular belief, Richard Littlejohn receives no financial remuneration for his work here. He is paid in the souls of pre-school children, which he sucks out through their terrified nostrils, leaving their little bodies shrivelled like deflated balloons."