‘Racist’ T-Shirt Could Cause Morons To Say Stuff

A SCOTTISH t-shirt expressing dislike of the England football team could cause morons to say things, experts have warned.

Shut up

The shirt, which wishes success to 'Anyone But England' in this summer's World Cup, is likely to provoke at least 48 hours of tedious debate about post-devolution British identity and why Scotland needs to grow up.

Experts say the policeman who warned an Aberdeen shopkeeper about displaying the shirt must now take responsibility for the resulting avalanche of bullshit articles and mind-buggering exchanges on Live from Studio Five.

Julian Cook, the Nicky Campbell Professor for the Understanding of Stupid Debates at Reading University, said: "At first you'll get some articles about why the police have to intervene in every single little thing and how this country simply isn't free any more.

"But that will quickly give way to columnists saying 'actually, this incident does raise a serious point about Britain…' when, of course, it doesn't. It just fucking doesn't.

"And by the end of today the BBC will have sent camera crews on to the streets of Glasgow and Coventry to gather up the kind of soul-destroying responses that will lead to yet another traffic spike on French property websites."

He added: "By Friday you may even get a column in the Independent about 'why must the British media analyse absolutely everything?' which will of course be written without even the faintest whiff of self-awareness."

But veteran Daily Telegraph columnist, Denys Hatton, said that while the t-shirt was no doubt meant to be taken in jest, it would inevitably lead to the break up the United Kingdom and generations of blood soaked conflict that will divide families and lay waste to Berwick Upon Tweed.

He added: "When will the prime minister have the guts to accept responsibility for this genocidal 't-shirt' and go back to the land of chippy, drunken, bestial perverts from whence he was puked?"