Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m really into tattoos, but I’m finding some people are prejudiced against me as a result. I’ve also found that no-one wants to employ me, simply because I express myself through body art. Finding myself on the receiving end of such narrow-minded oppression, I can understand how people like Martin Luther King, Emmaline Pankhurst and Lady Gaga must have felt being judged on the basis of their non-conformist appearance. Just because I have ‘bitch fucka’ written on my forehead doesn’t mean I can’t work in a bank.

Dear Justin,
Last week during art class we were all doing finger paintings of our pets. Oliver French dipped the end of his peepee in red poster paint and I have to say, it made the most delightful heart-shaped splodges on the paper, although I’m not sure the finished piece looked anything like a hamster. Unfortunately, it appears, as in your situation, that geniuses like Oliver have to suffer for their art, because when Mrs Oxley caught him she had one of her scary emotional breakdowns and made him go and read Deuteronomy 23: 1 in story corner for the rest of the afternoon. Thankfully, Oliver is an artist at heart, and instead of letting philistines like Mrs Oxley subdue his creativity, he channelled it into creating a thought-provoking mural on the mirror of the boy’s toilets. I’m not sure where he got that sticky brown paint from, but it certainly made a lasting impression on the headmaster, who doesn’t appear to be an art lover either.
Hope that helps!

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Welsh Team Signs Truculent Midget

CRAIG Bellamy has completed his loan move from Man City to Cardiff after tests confirmed him to be the Welshest man on the planet.

The Championship side had agreed to sign the tiny, agressive striker on condition his Welshness had not been diluted by time spent in cosmopolitan English cities like Manchester and Blackburn.

But tests found that Bellamy’s blood sample contained an even higher level of Boyoclorians than Cerys Matthews, Charlotte Church and unusually-named BBC reporter Wyre Davies.

Bellamy said: “It’s great to be back amongst people who won’t blink an eye when I get angry for no reason and blame everybody else for my fictional problems.

“I look forward to getting them in a drunken headlock and stressing how much I love them while punching them in the face over and over again.”

The striker will be officially unveiled to fans ahead of Saturday’s match against Doncaster with the traditional Crmhylchmych ceremony.

Bellamy will be carried onto the pitch atop the shield of an ancient chieftan before eating a raw daffodil and screaming violent, groundless complaints into the face of an English tourist for eight minutes without repetition or vowels.

Cardiff manager, Dave Jones, said Bellamy would bring some local pride and unprovoked fury back to the team, adding: “vwvbu sffh wh fbfwyfnwd jbgyngf.”