Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
As far as I was aware, it’s a woman’s basic human right to take tea breaks every half hour whilst at work, plus several minutes preparatory time to boil the kettle and open the biscuits, and then a period of wind-down to wash the cups and take a leak. However, my boss has suddenly taken exception to this and is ranting some codswallop about productivity and down-time. He needs to be put in his place but the only problem is that I’m far too busy to make a formal complaint about him, especially since Janine in admin has started bringing in home made brownies. Can you suggest a swift and effective way we can exercise our rights without interrupting our conversations about Cheryl Cole?

Dear Patricia,
I think it’s about time you took a stand against your boss’ tyrannical behviour. Take a leaf out of the Egyptians’ book and drum up some anarchic spirit with your colleagues, or even start a riot. These days even us school kids are going mental and fighting with the police, who are apparently trying to pass a law to prevent any one except the Queen from going to University. Only last week my class collectively disobeyed our teacher after she found a human turd in the art cupboard and tried to make us stay behind and miss PE until someone owned up. But the old bag was no match for an angry herd of children running towards her at full speed armed with swimming kits, and she soon stood down.

The only disappointment about the whole Egypt thing is that if you look closely at the news footage of the riots, there’s not a loin cloth or gold headdress in sight, and not one of them does that funny walk with the angular hand movements, which is very disappointing. I spent a good half hour trying to spot a mummy in bandages somewhere in the mob, but there was no sign. In fact, from where I’ve been sitting, it just seems to be a lot of angry shouty men with moustaches wearing 1980s jumpers and slacks. Nevertheless, these people are an inspiration to all of us, and unless we also take a stand then next thing you know none of us will have the right to leave the odd jobby lying about.
Hope that helps,



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you need a hobby why not dress as an old man, hang around weddings and tell the groom you’re him from the future and you’ve come to warn him about the terrible consequences of going through with the ceremony?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Got the entire country setting fire to things and calling for your head? Why not get all your staff to swap desks? That should calm things down a treat.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losing control of my bowel movements. Oh dear, I seem to have malaria.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After loudly denouncing the abuse of the English language brought about by Twitter and ‘textspeak’, everyone is eagerly awaiting your shimmering work of linguistic genius. In your own time.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
While demanding ketchup with everything you eat might mark you out as being common, smearing some on your communion wafer has nudged you into the realm of sacrilegious.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your helpful attitude, flexibility and dedication to the job are just three of the reasons why you’ve recently been made redundant by the council.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After using the wrong cutlery all evening, passing the port to the right and cutting the nose off the cheese, you figure you may as well go all out and ask for your brandy in a pint glass whilst scratching your gonads with a dessert fork.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It’s all futuristic and that. Things are really rubbish but you’ve got some sort of special power or something that will save everyone. There’s a big fight at the end, which you win. Et fucking cetera.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If your teenage son has become secretive, withdrawn and defensive about his behaviour, it’s a sign he may be dabbling in drugs. That or he’s masturbating like a bored chimpanzee.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A rainy Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch watching an old black and white film with your other half is really what love is all about. It doesn’t have to be a passive-aggressive nightmare that is slowly killing you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Horoscope status: 17% complete. Press Esc to quit and take some fucking responsibility for your own existence.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s Jupiter, he’s got Pluto and Mercury stuffed in a pillowcase and he’s asking everyone if they know where you are. Crikey.