Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly
It’s been so long since someone rang my bell I’m starting to wonder if
I’ll ever have another orgasm that doesn’t involve
four AA batteries. All the men at work are either married, gay or potential serial killers, except for Brian in accounts, and I’ve already shagged him and discovered his horrific affliction. If I wasn’t such an aggressive atheist I’d join a nunnery, so instead I thought I’d become a lesbian, but I am not quite sure how to go about this. I quite like Constant Craving by KD Lang: do you think I’ve got what it takes?


Dear Abigail,
If you think about it, hanging around with girls is best because they know their way around a skipping rope, appreciate the value of a good quality tea set and don’t give you a chinese burn when you won’t show them what colour knickers you’re wearing. Plus they don’t smell of farts and touch themselves in rude places and continually make stupid laser gun sounds with their mouths. Actually, I think I must be a lesbian myself because I hate all the boys in my class and I hold hands with Angelica Watson all the time in the playground. The only thing I’m not sure about is my big sister told me that to be a real lesbian you need to lick carpet. I tried licking the rug in my bedroom but nothing much happened except I ended up with loads of fluff and an old toenail in my mouth. Aside from that, the only problem with being a lesbian, as far as I can see, is that your favourite colour is not allowed to be pink, and you can’t wear any lovely pretty dresses and you have to have an ugly man haircut and a fat back. However, if you think about it, this isn’t so bad if it means you get to avoid having bogies wiped on your school jumper all the time. As far as I’m concerned, as long as it means I can still marry Justin Bieber then I reckon being a lesbian is an excellent idea.
Hope that helps!



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Spice up your love life by trying something different this week, like running it under a tap once in a while, for Christ’s sake.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Before risking your physical safety and your sanity to perfect your performance in a production of ‘Swan Lake’, you should first ask yourself the important question why – given that it’s only ballet and nobody cares – are you even fucking bothering?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, your ideal partner will come into your life. Riding on a unicorn that can cure cancer.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Improv, you say? Either write a script or give me my fucking tenner back, you bone-idle chancer.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Help your kids learn the value of money by making them do odd jobs to earn their allowance. 60-40 split on the package, and the count better be right.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Life is merely the prelude to the main feature that is the afterlife. That’s why yours seems so disjointed, dull and full of adverts.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your new wet/dry hoover keeps your carpet amazingly clean but you know what else would work? Not being such a cackhanded moron and occasionally treating your dog’s worms.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Nobody likes doing housework but your habit of sealing up the flat with concrete and selling it every time the bins need emptying is proving costly.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you discover that Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio- gogogoc means ‘the noise a Welshman makes when retrieving his frisbee from an electricity pylon’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
With the lights out it’s less dangerous, here we are now, entertain us. Honestly, how hard can it be to run a cinema?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a retired footballer you envy the younger lads being busy week in, week out but every now and then you still manage to bang an anonymous model in a Traveldoge.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Rah rah, ah ah ah. Roma, roma ma. Gaga ooh la la. I think that covers all the main points.